Google Doccing

The title of this post is the next candidate in my eternal quest to coin a term. When I succeed, I will finally be able to move on to my next life goal, which is even more difficult, because it will require the services of a midget.

We all know what google stalking is. But there's something else that lots of people are obsessed with that lacks a brilliant "internism."

Google doccing is the activity of diagnosing yourself by searching the web for symptoms of your likely psychosomatic problem. Typically, the google-doccer concludes that they are afflicted with a disease that affects about 1 in 1,000,000 people, since that is the only disease which actually may manifeste every single one of the systems that the hypochnodriac believes they are experiencing.

Google doccing itself will probably become a medically recognized obsessive compulsive disorder category. If it's not already. I know many people who've convinced themselves that they have any of of HIV, Parkinson's, an ebola infection, and lupus, to name just a few. Trust me. If a disease affects pygmys in New Zealand 99% of the time, and actually has only been diagnosed conclusively a couple hundred times in the last century, you probably do not have it.

Google doccing. Got kind of a ring to it, doesn't it? As of now, I'm the first to document its use online. Urban dictionary doesn't know about it. Though there are five google hits for the quoted term, all of them seem to have to do with using Google Documents. Which is obviously a far less hilarious and disturbing than the act of freaking yourself out by looking at horrible pictures of rashes, and comparing vague lists of disturbing symtoms to yourself.

So start talking about google doccing. But I'd suggest seeing someone with an actual medical degree, before you conclude that your disorder can only be cured with experimental drugs mail-ordered from China.

Too Clever By Half

Well, this is old news as far as webular things go, but some things never get old. One of them is having conversations with Cleverbot. If you have never done this before, I highly recommend it. It is entertaining, disconcerting, and time-sucking.

Photo by Flickr user Photog John

Jamie: Hi there.

Cleverbot: Hi.

Jamie: What makes you so clever?

Cleverbot: Who said i'm clever?

Jamie: It is implied by your name.

Cleverbot: No. My name is Cleverbot.

Jamie: Cleverbot includes the word clever.

Cleverbot: That's what you think.

Jamie: At least I think.

Cleverbot: I doubt it.

Fenty's Alter Egos

In the wake of Vincent Gray's victory over Adrian Fenty, we are starting to see blackberries show up on Craig's List for sale, and people are wondering who's going to stay and who's going to go.

The name that comes to most people's mind is Michelle Rhee, the hard-nosed, controversial school chancellor who was the centerpiece of Fenty's reform efforts. Few expect she'll be sticking around, since she pretty much said that as far as Fenty's concerned, she's made out of glue. But anything's possible.

In order to better understand the personalities, I've delved into their alter-egos in the hopes that we might reach some clarity on how these people might fit in with a Gray administration... or not.

Michelle Rhee: Ozzy Osbourne



Michelle Rhee has been about as divisive as a meat cleaver. Some people have lauded her as the second coming of Christ and the savior of a dysfunctional school system. Others think that she's the devil incarnate, and that her reforms are coming at too high a cost. We're not here to debate her effectiveness. We're here to figure out who she really is.

The Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne, fits the bill perfectly. He takes no prisoners, eats his young, and is batshit crazy. The trademark of his career, like Rhee, has been "reform," though in his case, that reform had more to do with the Betty Ford Clinic than the public school institution. Both have been sued and both have legions of ardent fans and rabid foes. Both have been the subject of movies, though I think that "The Decline Of Western Civiliation Part II: The Metal Years" will have a more enduring legacy than "Waiting for Superman."

The verdict for the Princess of Darkness? Leaving on the first crazy train. There's no way Gray would keep around someone who bites the head off bats.

Cathy Lanier: Sarah Connor

Police Chief Cathy Lanier has done pretty well for herself. Of course, that's not too hard when you replace someone like Charles Ramsey, best known for beating up and hog-tying about 400 hippies having a sit-in at Pershing Park.

Lanier's tenure has been marked by some high-profile, if publicity-stunt-like efforts to fight crime, such as All Hands On Deck, and the Trinidad checkpoints, since found unconstitutional. But through it all there's been a dramatic drop in crime. Never mind that it precisely matches the national trend.

Sarah Connor, similarly, tirelessley fights for the future of mankind, even as that effort often requires some rather unfortunate violations of due process and legality to get the job done. After all, the she knows the future that awaits us: the world will be taken over by machines. The lives of a lot of innocent people along the way are of little consequence, since without her heroic efforts, they'll all be dead in a few years anyway.

The verdict: stays on to fight the terminators. The phased plasma rifle in the 40-watt range will become the standard issue service weapon in 2012.

Gabe Klein: Curly

"What is this you're doing?" "The elevator dance." "Elevator dance?" "Yeah, there's no steps to it." -- from The Three Stooges, "Soup to Nuts", 1930

The DDOT director's name is probably known to far fewer than the previous two, but he's made a reputation for himself nonetheless. A tireless advocate of cycling and alternative transit, he's been responsible for the bike-laneification of DC, pushed forward on the streetcar project, brought us bike sharing, and also installed a lot of speed bumps. In many ways, he took a conventional city and turned it into something of a 3-ring circus. There are all kinds of crazy parking meter machines everywhere, a new bicycle traffic light that is, er, interesting, and something called a barnes dance in chinatown that lets people walk willy-nilly through a busy intersection, to name a few.

Progress? Well, it's different, anyway. Gabe's nothing if not willing to give stuff a shot. Like Curly, he's got all kinds of wacky ideas, and unbridled enthusiasm. To the outsider, it may look like he doesn't know what he's doing, but still, things seem to work out for him. Mostly.

The verdict? Stays, though may need to buy a new suit. Gray's been a transit advocate, and even though Gabe might look like a hipster on his way to an interactive art show opening, he's not doing an awful job. He's also been smart enough to keep out of the fray, so there's no real public sentiment either for or against him.

And with that, our final contestant.

Peter Nickles: Gollum

You know, this one was just too easy. Little love will be lost on Fenty's much loathed Attorney General. The man, in a role that supposedly represents an oversight of the DC government, has blatantly polticized this role, literally campaigning for the mayor. He's defended corruption, and he's stonewalled Federal courts.

Like Gollum, it's not clear where he lives: is it in a cave in Chinatown, or down near the Great Falls in the Mines of Moria? He always seems to pop up when he's not wanted, and when you really need him, he promises to help you, but ends up screwing you and trying to steal your ring.

Verdict: Will grab a pile of gold, run, cackling, away from DC, and trip and fall into a volcanic vent on his way out.

I Really Like That Flashlight...

In my never-ending quest to coin a term I present you with a couple that have caught on in my household.

You brought the iguana home.

This one started pretty recently, after an episode of "The Marriage Ref." In this particular segment, the debate is over this pet iguana that the wife loves, and the husband detests. Throughout the course of the segment, popular opinion seems to lean heavily towards the husband. This creature is always out of its cage, and clearly the wife pays a lot more attention to the car insurance mascot than she does to her husband. Not to mention that it's pretty downright creepy.

Then, at the very end, when the referees are about to vote, a crucial piece of evidence is revealed: The husband is the one who brought that iguana into the household to being with!

Needless to say, he lost in a crushing defeat because he brought the iguana home.

So now, whenever you find yourself in a debate about something which, actually, the other person started, or is responsible for the source of the debate, you simply play your trump card: You brought the iguana home. Instant victory.

I'm getting back the microwave.

This one is of a more personal nature. Many, many years ago, I acted shamefully. This is so embarassing, that it is only now that I will publicly admit to this tasteless act of selfishness. I blame my youthful immaturity, but can now look back on this inicident with only a small cringe of regret. I hope that by sharing this, I can purge the demons that still haunt me.

I dated a girl briefly when I first moved to Washington. During our time together, her group-house needed a microwave oven, and I happened to own one that was not being used, as my own group-house already had one. So I offered it to them, and they accepted.

I broke up with this girl before too long. Because we didn't date all that long, there was not really any need for a "stuff swap." Or I just forgot about the microwave.

Fast forward about a year, when the owner of my own houses's microwave moved out. Suddenly, I needed that microwave oven again. At the time, the $199 that the appliance would cost to replace seemed a staggering sum of money, and apparently I put the cost of shame at calling up my ex of about a year to reclaim the microwave, at lower than $199.

I drove to her house in Virginia, and in possibly the most awkward situation of my entire life, collected the microwave. Oh yes, all her housemates were there. And no, we hadn't really spoken at all since we broke up.

Fast forward to today, and one of my facebook friends posted this:

Friendy McFriend Got a call from the garage; the mechanic left his flashlight under the hood of my truck.

Now I need to go bring it back "at my convenience"

I replied "Unfortunately, I am 30 miles away, so how about at my next oil change".

::::dead silence::::

"Or I could swing by in a couple of hours." :-)

All I could think of was, really? How much could a new flashlight possibly cost? That better be one damn nice flashlight...

But sometimes, you know, you just need to get the microwave back. So whenever you find yourself needing to face some unfinished business that you avoided as long as possible, or otherwise subject yourself to extraordinary embarassment for some small material gain, you are getting the microwave back.

So, anyone else have any good stories of getting the microwave back?

Postscript

In an incredible bit of synchronicity separated by decades, N. recently quit her job of about a year and started a new one.

As it turns out, she left behind a microwave oven at her old office that she brought in when she first started there.

The jury is still out on whether she'll be getting it back anytime soon...

Ironic Mail Day

You're being investigated by the FBI but have a nice day!



The Federal Government should institute a policy of adding "DON'T PANIC" to any mail from any government agency, especially those that include the word "investigation," in the interest of reducing the incidence of heart attacks in the general public.

Good Fortune

Excellent...

Everything is falling into place.

Larry King: One Ring To Rule Them All...

All seven of them, that is.

You know, you'd think by now that women would realize that swearing an oath on that ring doesn't come with any guarantees.

Larry King's getting divorced again, and his wife claims that he slept with her little sister. That's just wrong, and as far as I'm concerned puts him in the Woody Allen category of hooking up with relatives of your partner. Of course Woody Allen actually married his girlfriend's daughter, so he still wins, but still.

Now that he's taken off the ring, we can finally see the invisible man as he really is.




Frodo: "You swore! You swore on the precious! Sméagol promised!"

Gollum: "Sméagol lied."

Ironic Thursday

Worst Perk Ever

DC Depot during Snowmageddon.




We Really Hate Unsolicited Faxes. We Swear.

Used the fax machine at work for the first time in at least a year, and saw this on the top of the pile of incoming faxes (which nobody ever checks since nobody ever gets one).




My fiancee gave me this.

iPad Saves World, But What's Next?

Last week heralded the unveiling of Apple's latest wonder-child, the iPad. As everyone with access to the Internet, a newspaper, or pictures of The Rosetta Stone knows, the iPad will revolutionize the world in much the same way the automobile, antibiotics, and the vacuum bottle have.

Since everyone has drunk the Apple cool aid, there is no question that any new product released by the company will be met the sort of rejoicing and world peace that can only be compared to the second coming of Christ. This is despite such obvious attempts at money-grubbing which include batteries that can't be replaced, and the inability to sell any software for one of their products without giving Apple a substantial cut. But making Steve Jobs rich is a small price for world peace, isn't it?

But never mind all that. This post is not about cool-aid, or even the glorious future that awaits us in a new world, filled with throngs of happy hipsters who have been led down the path of righteousness, converting all unbelievers with the touch of their touch-screen. That world will obviously be free of hunger, disease, poverty, and even hiccups. Especially hiccups. Instead, this post is about what's in the "Apple Core," that primordeal soup where future unstoppable products are conceived and gestated. Even though starting next week, the iPad will solve global warming at the same time as providing for all the world's energy needs, there will still be many opportunities for future miracles from the Apple Computer corporation.

So what's in the pipeline? Take a gander at these:

iQ: The world's "smart cue," it will change your drunken 2-hour 8-ball game into something Minnesota Fats would envy. With a precise GPS satellite uplink, it will automatically analyze your shot and tell you when you're perfectly positioned. It will even let you know when you're being hustled by accessing a datatabase of known bar scammers. You will only be charged for shots you make.

iRan: A device so small it can be hidden, er, anywhere on your body, this gadget is designed specifically to assist Middle Eastern political dissidents in escaping from dictatorial regimes. Essentially a tiny GPS receiver that comes with a a pair of running shoes, it was test marketed in the U.S. as the "Nike + iPod Sport Kit."

iCaramba: iPad rebranding for the Latino market.

iSore: A new product that will revolutionize, nay, eliminate the plastic surgery industry, the initial iSore is anticipated to be released in January 2011 for $999. This amazing device will project a holographic image of it's owner, making them appear to look like Jessica Simpson or Hugh Jackman. The iSore 2.0, which will be released three months later for $499, will expand its audience to the trashy market and include Khloe Kardashian and "The Situation" as options, among others. Initial iSore purchasers can upgrade to the iSore 2.0 for $199.

iDeal: Will revolutionize casino gambling by replacing table dealers with a machine that never misdeals and automatically shuffles whenever card-counting is detected. The perfect dealer, it will even make casual banter and tell players how disappointed it is when they lose.

iCon: Apple made "icon" a household word in 1984 when the immensely popular Macintosh changed computers from an intimidating machine with a screen full of baffling information, into something where you point at things and clicked them. Much like how a toddler interacts with you by pointing at your dinner, while he dumps his mac 'n cheese on the floor. This new product once again owns the word "icon" by offering an all-in-one espionage tool to would-be spies and con-artists. By enabling you to read your victim's minds, the unkowns are effectively eliminated from any scam.

iLand: Tsunami sunk your ship? Lost at sea? No longer a problem. The sunburned ragamuffin clinging to broken boards, dying of thirst, will be a thing of the past, as the new all-weather iLand will automatically direct you to the nearest dry land. Once stuck on your desert island, the iLand will let you download music and video via satellite connection at the castaway discount price of $0.69 per song or $1.49 per video. Internet connectivity is limited to the Apple Store. In adhering to Apple's "captive audience" market strategy, no outgoing email is permitted.

iDo: Apple will change the way the world thinks about nuptials by inventing the "Wedding 2.0" courtesy of the iDo. This amazing gadget will guide couples through every step of the process from planning with the iKnow add-on, to the wedding day itself with the add-on iVow Writer and the iRing, availabile in iRing "Tones" of gold, white gold and platinum. Many other add-ons are available. The base iDo application includes one free iPreNup download, as well as a 30-day trial of their marriage counseling app, dubbed "imSorry," and as well as "iSplit," the separation and divorce app.

Steamed Over Parking Spots

A good blizzard always brings out the best in city folks. Sunday, as many emerged from their snowbound homes for the first time, I saw dozens of my neighbors out and about, shoveling their walks, or their elderly neighbor's walks, and helping people dig their cars out. Everyone was cheerful an enjoying the glorious, sunny post-snow day.

It also brings out the strange. While not a unique phenomenon, in DC, the act of digging your car out of a street spot apparently grants you ownership of it until the snow melts. As quickly as cars started moving out of their snowy prisons and onto the crusty streets, the vacant spots were filled with pylons, lawn chairs, and pleading notes and candy canes. Gotta love the hippies... I'm guessing the lawn chairs were more effective.

My favorite one is below. Monday around noon, I saw this one on Webster Street NW. It cracked me up so I took a picture. If you can't see what's behind the chair in shot #1, proceed to shot #2 for a better view.

Ironing out the parking situation

On my way to work this morning, at 7:15 AM, I was pleased to see that the ironing board was, in fact, an effective way to keep people from stealing your hard-earned spot. I do have to wonder how they will press their shirts for Christmas Eve, though.

Hard pressed to find parking

Hmm... that looks a like a pretty nice dining room chair, too. It's going to be a wrinkly, standing-room-only Christmas dinner, I guess.

As hilarious as this is, it does beg the question. Clearly, someone is willing to go to great lengths to defend their parking spot, nay, their honor against any and all invaders. They have moved much of the contents of their dining room, and laundry room, to the sidewalk in order to ensure parking.

So far, I've observed the spot twice, occupied only by furniture and laundry accessories. No sign of a car, either at noon on Monday, or at 7:15 AM, two days later. In this day and age it seems that parking, even rarely needed parking, is now at least as valuable as your home furnishings.

Repent, for the end is near!

I had the pleasure of seeing 2012 on Friday night with N. It met my expectations exactly: really cool special effects, repeated brushes with near death at the hands of billowing clouds of smoke and fire, and only brief stints of unpleasant character-developing dialogue.

It was pretty much exactly the same move as "The Day After Tomorrow," unsurprisingly, also directed by Roland Emmerich. You know, scientists realize that the end of the world is coming, nobody listens until it's too late, earth plunges into apocalyptic mayhem, intrepid heroes embark on perilous quest against astronomical odds, and miraculously prevail. It was predictable, preposterous, over-the top, and absolutely without artistic merit. It was awesome.

Sure, there were a few plot holes. Like the premise, which is that neutrinos will cause the earth's core to heat up and the crust to shift around. Then there was a lot of general silliness, like the airport security guy telling people they can't take off in their plane because they aren't cleared. While the city of Las Vegas is busy collapsing into giant flaming rifts in the earth about a half-mile away, and the entire West Coast has already gone fully Lex Luthor. Umm, yeah, like anyone would really give a rat's ass who does what at that point. Most likely he'd be taking advantage of his status of possesing a firearm to get aboard any available plane himself. But whatever, fire and brimstone! Entire cities collapsing in huge chasms filled with flaming lava! Cool!!

Anyway, I don't usually pay much attention to harbingers of the apocalypse from thousands of years ago, but I was curious about what is supposed to be happening in about three years. Luckily, NASA has a web page that clears up all the misinformation going around. So don't sell your house just yet, let's take a look at what NASA has to say. I have quoted NASA's web page in italics, below.

"2012: Beginning of the End or Why the World Won't End?"

Remember the Y2K scare? It came and went without much of a whimper because of adequate planning and analysis of the situation. Impressive movie special effects aside, Dec. 21, 2012, won't be the end of the world as we know. It will, however, be another winter solstice.

Well, maybe it went off without a hitch for you, but I personally found that my Palm Pilot was screwed up. It took at least a week before it worked right again. What's a Palm Pilot you say? Oh, never mind. But another winter solstice!! Thanks for making us feel safe, NASA. Wait. What's a solstice?

---

Question (Q): Are there any threats to the Earth in 2012? Many Internet websites say the world will end in December 2012.

Answer (A):Nothing bad will happen to the Earth in 2012.

Whew! 2012 should be an awesome year. Nothing bad will happen!

Wait.

Really?

Ummm...

Our planet has been getting along just fine for more than 4 billion years, and credible scientists worldwide know of no threat associated with 2012.

I have two things to say.

1) 2012 will be the first year of the millenium with no Oprah Winfrey show!!

2) These credible scientists do not live in Washington, DC, obviously. Because 2012 is an election year and bad things will happen.

---

Q: What is the origin of the prediction that the world will end in 2012?

A: The story started with claims that Nibiru, a supposed planet discovered by the Sumerians, is headed toward Earth.

I KNEW IT!!! NIBIRU!!

Q: Is the Earth in danger of being hit by a meteor in 2012?

A: The Earth has always been subject to impacts by comets and asteroids

OMG! Asteroids too!!

...although big hits are very rare.

Try telling that to this guy!

The last big impact was 65 million years ago, and that led to the extinction of the dinosaurs

Jesus Herbert Hoover Christ! 65 million years ago? Obviously we are well overdue for a giant disaster. Without question, we should all prepare for the post-apocalyptic world where the moon has been shattered like a cheap golf ball and large jungle cats have learned to talk.

---

Q: How do NASA scientists feel about claims of pending doomsday?

A: For any claims of disaster or dramatic changes in 2012, where is the science?

Where's YOUR science, NASA? This, coming from the same guys who can't even decide if Pluto is a planet or not? All your talk of so-called "rare asteroid hits" and "planetary extinction" doesn't make me feel a lot better.


The long and short of it is that NASA clearly does not have their shit together, and we should trust no-one, least of all some government-funded hacks who haven't managed to get back to the moon in 40 years. If they ever actually went in the first place. Luckily, though, there is proof that the world will not end in 2012. At least not entirely. Because someone will discover a guitar a hundred years later in 2112.

Restroom Etiquette Making Headlines Everywhere

"Just be sure you don't hit the wrong button and end up putting a photo of your junk on Twitter. Trust me, you don't want those followers."

-- Brad Pitt, 7/17/09, on bathroom texting

Following on the firestorm caused by my screed against the use of the center stall in the office restroom, CNN has published a story called "Restroom Etiquette for The Office."

Or did they? Oops. It looks like they decided the world wasn't ready to be told what not to do in the bathroom by CNN, and pulled the story. Fortunately, it's still available on Google's cache as well as the mobile feed.

The article makes some very solid points, by advising bathroom newbies with sound advice such as flush the toilet and don't drip on the toilet seat. The authors do, however, veer into highly controversial territory, by openly opposing talking across the stalls. While the authors do admit that this is more personal preference than etiquette, they go one step further by suggesting that this applies to urinals too. Personally, I think they walked off the cliff on this one. Talking across stalls, maybe, but urinals? Any society that is so uptight that chatting with your co-worker while peeing is verboten has really gone too far.

Bear in mind that there absolutely must be an empty urinal between you during this conversation at the clivas multrum. If for some reason you are forced to pee right next to someone, especially someone you know, then the only appropriate way to handle this is with absolute silence and a level gaze. Just pretend it's not happening.

Which brings me to the failings of this article, and indeed, the failings of mainstream media in general. While the subject matter is one of great relevance, it fails to deal with what is truly important, the meat of the subject.

The issues they discuss, such as talking across bathroom stalls and talking on one's cell phone while using the toilet, are important ones. Yet much more serious matters are left unexplored. And cell-phone use in the bathroom is hardly breaking news. Brad Pitt came out against it publicly in July, strongly urging people to only communicate via text message while in the bathroom.

His marriage to Angelina Jolie notwithstanding, Mr. Pitt is indeed a wise man. State secrets have been compromised through idle cell-phone chatter in the bathroom. And his bold comments further highlight the shallow failings of the present CNN article. While they correctly decry the practice of talking on the phone in the can, they don't even bother to say that texting is perfectly fine. Nor do they warn of the risk of photographing your junk while using your phone in the restroom. Where's the depth, the analysis? The horror stories of twittering your junk accidentally?

What about dropping your phone in the toilet?!?

In the end, while it does bring some hope that such matters are being discussed at all, we at Farm Fresh Meat strongly believe that the media could be doing much more. Discussion of bathroom etiquette has languished in the shadows long enough. It's time that everyone -- not just the media, but all of us -- took a stand and pulled back the curtain on this awkward subject.

Stand up for proper bathroom etiquette. Call out your coworkers and friends when they use the center stall or talk across the stalls. If everyone works together, like Polio, bad bathroom behaviour can be eradicated.

Romance Is Not Dead

This morning when I went out to my car, I saw an ominous-looking piece of paper under my windshield wiper. Ticket? Did I let my inspection expire? Nope, not pink. As I approached the car I saw handwriting on the note. Oh no. Someone hit my car. Well at least they left a note, but dammit I've spent more time in the shop than out of it this year.

My fears were unfounded. The note was from a secret admirer, proof that romance is not dead in the world. A handwritten note, a compliment, "I just liked your look." It could be the beginning of nothing, just another conversation at a bar, a missed connection, or, if acted upon, it could be the story of how we met, told to our grown children 25 years from now.

Unfortunately, I have to burst that bubble. It wasn't for me.

I loaned my car to a friend last night.

Now that we've gotten the sappery out of the way, it's time to mock this thing mercilessly. Mouhahhahahhaaa!!

Romance is not dead yet, is what I meant to say. So let's see how long it takes to kill it!

"I liked your look?" The friend in question was wearing a ratty Superman T-shirt. Except it was a black T-shirt, not a blue one, so I guess it was bizarro superman. Over that was a zip-up hoodie of some kind, and below were, I believe, sweat pants. All ill-fitting because they belonged to her boyfriend. She hadn't been home since Saturday to change into her own clothes, because she had lost her purse (and keys) while wasted on Saturday night.

Which brings us to why she was borrowing my car --- by some miracle, the Palace of Wonders actually had her stuff and she needed to go get it.

Anyway, it was a priceless look. I would imagine if she'd actually taken a shower or put on something that did not look like it came from the hipster section of the Value Thrift, that our erstwhile romantic wouldn't have even noticed her! Seriously - you may want to consider the "hung over walk of shame" look more often, apparently it turns a lot of heads.

There are a lot of things that come to mind as I ponder this note.


1. Notes like this are supposed to start with "I've never done something like this before." It's not that I seriously think you haven't but at least you could pretend.

2. On the subject of leaving notes on the cars of people you've never met. How does this compare to meeting people at the bus stop, grocery store line, or STD clinic waiting room for getting dates?

3. "Shallow to say..." interesting expression, but yes....

4. Can you clarify exactly what that word is at the end of the fourth line, that looks kind of like "I was talking with an / nazi..." I really can't figure out what this says, but will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are not friends with any nazis. But it could hold the key to the important question: Do You Live On My Block, Or Were You Visiting? Which brings us to...

5. If the answer is "Live On My Block," then how could you possibly not have realized that my car also lives on my block? It's there every single day. While picking up strangers by leaving notes on their car is weird to begin with, it's even weirder if they happen to live across the street from you or something. I'd think that you'd make a lot more headway with the "hi, I'm your neighbor" introduction than random stalker note.

Okay, now that I've ripped the heart out of a complete stranger who will probably read this, fly into the kind of alcohol-induce rage that only a true romantic callously scorned could have, leave another note telling me what an a-hole I am, then later sober up some and regret it, come back and remove the note and possibly key my car, I'd like to close with this.

I gave her the note. Good luck. By the way -- she's totally psychotic.

PETA stands up for insect rights

From one of my twitter buddies comes this story on Chicagoist about PETA's response to President Obama being captured on video swatting a fly. On their blog is this nugget...

In a nutshell, our position is this: He isn't the Buddha, he's a human being, and human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act.

...check out our handy-dandy bug catcher—one of which we are sending to President Obama for future insect incidents.

My first reaction was, quite simply, stunned disbelief. Really? REALLY??? But then I thought about it for a few minutes and that reaction changed to bwaahahhahahahahahha!! You guys got me good on that one! I clicked on the link to their humane bug catcher, expecting to see the punch line. Umm. Not so much. It looks real. You can order one.

Then PETA posted a followup which pretty much regurgitates the same position as the first post. The reality was dawning on me. They are serious. Dead serious. Actually, make that no-kill serious.

I have to say, I don't care how strongly anyone feels about their mission, could anyone ever take them seriously again after this? I am a lover of animals, but are you guys out of your minds?

Let us think about this for a minute. PETA has taken an offical position on the killing of flies: in a perfect world, it is not acceptable. Let's see what's wrong with this position. Flies spread disease. Flies destroy crops. Flies are routinely eaten alive by birds, which I would venture is a far less humane death than being swatted. Umm, they're fucking flies!

Let's look at this from another perspective. If flies should be protected, then what rationale is there for not protecting any other living thing? Antibiotics? Bacteria killers! You bastard doctors! Showering? You better strike that from your list of things to do. It would be a bacteria and hair mite genocide! Live and let live right?

Even walking through the lawn is rife with risks to earthworms, ants, and any number of other creatures who might be harmed due to your callous indifference to the wellbeing of your animal friends.

And forget about water treatment. I can only imagine how many billions of organisms are put to death in the interest of selfish, safe drinking water. But one day, I suppose, we can come around to the compassionate position that our own needs should not be at the expense of another life, no matter how tiny. After all, a bug bite might just give you some stupid little rash or disease. But it's the life of a bug we're talking about, and that is more important than any minor inconvenience or pain or suffering that a human might suffer. So go ahead, let those mosquitos feed!! Cuz once it's landed on your arm, you don't have a lot of choices other than killing it or getting bitten. A few welts is a small price to pay for letting that mosquito live out it's 4-day lifespan in peace and harmony with the world. Never mind that it doesn't give a crap about you.

Okay, I think you get the point. I am hoping that this is really one big joke that's they're taking too far. But it's not April 1st and it sure doesn't seem like one.

REALLY???

For The Birds

Walking to the cafe in my office building today, I stopped for a second to watch a robin pull a worm from the flowerbed. The creature hopped along for a little while then flitted over to a potted shrub near the front door. I took a closer look and was surprised to see a nest and several tiny chicks. I went back upstairs to grab my little camera and took a few pictures.

Mommy was none to pleased with this. And I didn't manage to get a really good shot either, since the nest was concealed pretty well, at least for such a small shrub. So I was kind of holding the camera above it and shooting blind.

None of this pleased mommy too much. After a few choice words she dive-bombed me. Luckily I am wearing glasses today, so her efforts to pluck my eyeballs from their sockets were futile. I backed to what I thought was a safe distance, but clearly I had enraged the female. She continued her aerial assualts, chasing me a good 50 feet down the sidewalk, at which point I ducked into the cafe where I would be safe.

In the first picture, you can just see mommy's head poking out from inside the shrub.

Close up of the nest, right before I was assaulted.




The housing complex where Mrs. Robin chose to raise her children. +5 points for guts and style. -32 points for the neighborhood.


Completely random non-sequitur: Behind the Counter is back. This was (is again) a really funny blog written by a customer service rep at a Wal-Mart in Anytown, USA. You will groan, laugh, and cry at his stories of the daily shenanigans he (she? I never quite figured that out) endures at the hands of Wal-Mart customers. A cynical yet hilarious perspective on the depressing behemoth that is bigger than ExxonMobil, probably bigger than Jesus. I think The Beatles are still the biggest, though.

The blog disappeared for a while as it's author had apparently gotten sick of it. Or maybe quit their job at Wal-Mart. But a new post appeared today, and it begins:

"I'm going to write again. I've made the decision."

So there it is. Enjoy.

Your new home...

I have a google alert for "Columbia Heights" because I'm some kind of freaky neighborhood activist. And a geek. But between my gang violence and development updates, other random things come up, like this roommate wanted advertisement.

Room for rent in Columbia Heights group house, 2 blocks from metro, one block from Giant and Wonderland.

You will share a house with three low-key, fun, professional women in their mid-20s who enjoy grilling on our back porch, DC public pools, environmental causes, triathlons, and reality television (Top Chef and Project Runway are favorites).

Room is available for sublet June 15 to mid-August, with possibility of signing a longer-term lease. Rent is $817, utilities not included.

Being one block from Giant and Wonderland is certainly a plus. Though, geographically, that may be impossible, given that Giant is at 14th & Park and Wonderland is at 11th & Kenyon. But it's a minor exaggeration I'm sure.

What made me chuckle was that these women enjoy DC public schools, thrown in there among Project Runway and grilling on the back porch. Seriously. Does anyone actually "enjoy" DC public schools? Maybe if you were transferring from a public school in suburban Baghdad. Personally, I don't enjoy crumbling infrastructure, metal detectors and the occasional machete attack. Not to mention about the worst performance record in the United States.

Oh well to each their own...

Update. I have a reading disorder. Yes, i now realized they said DC public pools.

Well, I haven't actually been to one. Though I can't imagine they are a lot better than the schools. Anyone care to comment on that? Undiscovered gem of the DC park system, or frightening home to snakeheads and zebra mussels?

Oh. Nevermind.

Conventional Wisdom Watch

What's hot and what's not in global politics.

---

Pirates vs. Pirates



Pittsburgh Pirates vs. U.S. National League - 4-3

Somali Pirates vs. U.S. Navy - 0-3

The season is just beginning for both Pittsburgh and Somalia, so it's a tough call. Though Pittsburgh seems to have an early edge, we are putting our money on Somalia because they want it more.

---

Evolution vs. Creation



Polar Bear vs. Stupid Human - Darwin fail

Obama ends embryonic stem cell research ban - Church fail

We are giving the nod to Darwin on this one. The "polar bear whisperer" incident is a clear sign that society is meddling with the process of evolution, and it is concerning. But ultimately we believe that evolution will prevail, and the world will be dominated by genetically engineered swamp rats.

---

Twitter vs. Blogging



A local blogger says Twitter killed his blog.

Jamie @reader taking a crap and reading people. omg rihanna! wtf?
About 10 minutes ago from the apocalypse

Never mind. Evolution has already failed.

Val Kilmer To Save Cats And Dogs, Get Drunk

Disclaimer: The primary purpose of this post is to get the goddawful snuggie picture off the front page of my blog. Since I can't come up with anything especially useful to say right now, instead I am going to make fun of bad/unlucky/drunk celebrity photographs instead.

Via facebook a friend made me aware of a fundraiser for the Washington Humane Society, a worthy cause. Unfortunately, I'm a little short with regards to the $2k buy-in for a VIP table. But I do plan to adopt another cat soon.

What is not so good is the picture of Val Kilmer. The former hearthrob is looking, shall we say, crusty. I love Val Kilmer. And I am not just making this up so I can get away with making fun of him, see this post for proof. But seriously man, what the hell happened?

This is your warning, Val. I, the ghost of Drunk Celebrity Future, give you one final chance at redemption. You have two choices. You can lay off the Jack Daniels, hit the gym, cut your hair, and become an aging heartthrob, like Harrison Ford.

Or you can stay on the party train and end up like Nick Nolte.

And if, in fact, this just happens to be a bad picture, then apologies. But you REALLY should fire your agent.

Lovely Weekend. Will Someone Please Kill The Groundhog?

Don't ever do it without your fez on

I attended the "Fez and Mustache" party at the Looking Glass on Saturday night, which was hilarious and very well attended. Nice work Jason. Then proceeded back to my place with a few friends, where we laughed at nonsense and danced on the tables until the wee hours.

Helped a friend move into Petworth. The dog in residence welcomed her by peeing on her mattress within five minutes. She has two dogs so I guess he just wanted to make sure that any question about who was "top dog" was settled up front.

Sat in lawn chairs on my sidewalk sipping cold beers on Sunday afternoon. It was such a gorgeous day. Warm in the sun, breezy, it felt like being at the beach. Well, a beach where the sand happened to be mixed with portland cement, and the ocean happened to be asphalt and parked cars, but it was almost the same. I swear.

And on that note I am officially calling shenanigans on the goddamn weather. Umm, really? 30 degrees? On my way to work this morning, I heard overnight lows in the low 20's. For the love of baby back ribs when the hell is this going to end? I've had milder winters in Maine. For what seems like an eternity now, we get thrown a bone every two weeks with one nice day, then it's back to the igloo and another $350 gas bill.

Yes, I realize complaining about the weather is about as useful as ordering foie gras at McDonalds. But I just need to vent. We are officially in Spring now, and this is freaking Washington, DC where it's usually 90 degrees at some point in April. Yes, that April, the one that's about 8 days away. If I see another snowflake before December I think my head will explode.

Okay, I feel better now that that's out of the way. I leave you with this. While reading my email yesterday, through seven degrees of Kevin Bacon I arrived at this random person's twitter picture thingy or whatever.

I have never in my entire life seen a better advertisement for a realtor. That's right, they are not, in fact, selling professional assassination services. Nor are they offering private aerial moose-hunting lessons. Yes, they are selling homes. This was apparently seen in a shopping cart at a supermarket in Minnestota.

What the hell is wrong with those Minnesotans?

Mama O'Bama's Green Machine

Today, Michelle O'Bama proved that this will be the greenest administration ever by altering the chemical composition of the white house fountains. Using thousands of gallons of unsaleable Shamrock Shake mix from Irish co-conspirators McDonald's, Mickey and Berach O'Bama have made a symbolic gesture of their commitment to the environment, and possibly the IRA.

This was a risky move for the O'Bamas, and lends further credence to their questionable origin. While credible sources have suggested that Barach may have been born in Kenya, Indonesia, or possibly the planet Vulcan, we at Farm Fresh Meat feel that this latest debacle is conslusive proof of O'Bama's strong allegiance to Ireland, as well as potted meat products.

There is no need for further speculation. O'Bama Is Irish!!

I, for one, welcome our new Leprechaun overlords.