Monday, November 23, 2009

Repent, for the end is near!


I had the pleasure of seeing 2012 on Friday night with N. It met my expectations exactly: really cool special effects, repeated brushes with near death at the hands of billowing clouds of smoke and fire, and only brief stints of unpleasant character-developing dialogue.

It was pretty much exactly the same move as "The Day After Tomorrow," unsurprisingly, also directed by Roland Emmerich. You know, scientists realize that the end of the world is coming, nobody listens until it's too late, earth plunges into apocalyptic mayhem, intrepid heroes embark on perilous quest against astronomical odds, and miraculously prevail. It was predictable, preposterous, over-the top, and absolutely without artistic merit. It was awesome.

Sure, there were a few plot holes. Like the premise, which is that neutrinos will cause the earth's core to heat up and the crust to shift around. Then there was a lot of general silliness, like the airport security guy telling people they can't take off in their plane because they aren't cleared. While the city of Las Vegas is busy collapsing into giant flaming rifts in the earth about a half-mile away, and the entire West Coast has already gone fully Lex Luthor. Umm, yeah, like anyone would really give a rat's ass who does what at that point. Most likely he'd be taking advantage of his status of possesing a firearm to get aboard any available plane himself. But whatever, fire and brimstone! Entire cities collapsing in huge chasms filled with flaming lava! Cool!!

Anyway, I don't usually pay much attention to harbingers of the apocalypse from thousands of years ago, but I was curious about what is supposed to be happening in about three years. Luckily, NASA has a web page that clears up all the misinformation going around. So don't sell your house just yet, let's take a look at what NASA has to say. I have quoted NASA's web page in italics, below.

"2012: Beginning of the End or Why the World Won't End?"

Remember the Y2K scare? It came and went without much of a whimper because of adequate planning and analysis of the situation. Impressive movie special effects aside, Dec. 21, 2012, won't be the end of the world as we know. It will, however, be another winter solstice.

Well, maybe it went off without a hitch for you, but I personally found that my Palm Pilot was screwed up. It took at least a week before it worked right again. What's a Palm Pilot you say? Oh, never mind. But another winter solstice!! Thanks for making us feel safe, NASA. Wait. What's a solstice?



Question (Q): Are there any threats to the Earth in 2012? Many Internet websites say the world will end in December 2012.

Answer (A):Nothing bad will happen to the Earth in 2012.

Whew! 2012 should be an awesome year. Nothing bad will happen!

Wait.

Really?

Ummm...

Our planet has been getting along just fine for more than 4 billion years, and credible scientists worldwide know of no threat associated with 2012.

I have two things to say.

1) 2012 will be the first year of the millenium with no Oprah Winfrey show!!

2) These credible scientists do not live in Washington, DC, obviously. Because 2012 is an election year and bad things will happen.



Q: What is the origin of the prediction that the world will end in 2012?

A: The story started with claims that Nibiru, a supposed planet discovered by the Sumerians, is headed toward Earth.

I KNEW IT!!! NIBIRU!!

Q: Is the Earth in danger of being hit by a meteor in 2012?

A: The Earth has always been subject to impacts by comets and asteroids

OMG! Asteroids too!!

...although big hits are very rare.

Try telling that to this guy!

The last big impact was 65 million years ago, and that led to the extinction of the dinosaurs

Jesus Herbert Hoover Christ! 65 million years ago? Obviously we are well overdue for a giant disaster. Without question, we should all prepare for the post-apocalyptic world where the moon has been shattered like a cheap golf ball and large jungle cats have learned to talk.



Q: How do NASA scientists feel about claims of pending doomsday?

A: For any claims of disaster or dramatic changes in 2012, where is the science?

Where's YOUR science, NASA? This, coming from the same guys who can't even decide if Pluto is a planet or not? All your talk of so-called "rare asteroid hits" and "planetary extinction" doesn't make me feel a lot better.


The long and short of it is that NASA clearly does not have their shit together, and we should trust no-one, least of all some government-funded hacks who haven't managed to get back to the moon in 40 years. If they ever actually went in the first place. Luckily, though, there is proof that the world will not end in 2012. At least not entirely. Because someone will discover a guitar a hundred years later in 2112.

4 comments:

LiLu said...

"Jesus Herbert Hoover Christ!"

SO stealing that.

Jamie said...

For the hell of it, I just googled "Jesus Herbert Hoover Christ" and was thrilled to see this post (and another place I apparently used the expression before) come at the top!

Then I was dismayed to find out that someone else said it nearly nine months earlier in a comment on a random blog here.

And it gets worse. As early as 2003, someone used the term "Jesus H. Herbert Hoover Christ."

My quest to coin an original term goes on. I guess there really is nothing new under the sun.

Jamison said...

Obviously this "NASA" thing doesn't know what their talking about. The Mayan space program was much better funded and better informed than this "NASA".

Jamie said...

@Jamison: Amen, brother. If we're still talking about them 3000 years later, they can't be all wrong...