Social Marketing A Victory For All

On Friday, I went to a "brown bag" lunch in which a marketing firm gave us a presentation about new media marketing, that is, social marketing. Or "social" as the lingo appears to be when referring to outreach via facebook, blogs, twitter, and so on.

This is not a company logo. It is
a photograph of the coolest dog toy ever.

This was interesting and timely, given my last post which complained about a problem I had with PEPCO. A PEPCO rep responded to my post in the comments mere hours after I made the post. While I typically have a cycnical attitude about big-company marketing/public relations efforts, I left this presentation with a good feeling. Not so much about the marking firm (they seemed very knowledgable, though), but about the overall effects of social networking and marketing in terms of how consumers and big organizations interact.

Anyone who's been around more than ten or twenty years has probably witnessed the slow deterioration of this thing called "customer service" in favor of automation, outsourcing, deferring. Big companies seem to make it as hard as possible for an individual to communicate directly with someone, or at least someone knowledgable, when they have a problem. They shunt you through complex automated phone trees, web sites, and support systems, that place a huge burden on the end-user to solve the problem themselves.

Even though most consumers find this frustrating and mind-bogglingly difficult, there is some rationale for companies to do this. Even if it takes an average consumer 10 times as long to get through a support issue, and even if only 1 out of those 5 consumers can actually get their problem solved without speaking to a real person anyway, you've just saved 20% in labor costs. Because automated system cost virtually nothing to operate on a per-user basis, whereas people cost real dollars. You're shifting the cost of support to the end user.

But the advent of social networking, which has put a soapbax in the hands of everyman, and Google, which can turn a speck of dust on the Internet into a first-page search result when the right conditions are met, have changed all this. Companies can no longer afford to ignore their customers, because more and more, they will share their bad experiences. And this information gets attached to their name for a very long time online. Savvy companies are reacting by being more proactive, like PEPCO did to my blog post.

This is still just marketing. They are being driven by the bottom line - by doing a better job of managing their online "reputation" companies will sell more. The PR guy on Friday told us that stuides have shown that people who "like" something on Facebook are statistically more likely to buy that brand in the future. That's real money.

So money may still be at the bottom line, but this is America. There's nothing wrong with making money. It's nice to see a shift in the relationship between consumers and big business that is shifting the balance of power back to something more reasonable. Consumers have a voice online, and the evolving technology has made that voice one that can't be ignored. It's a win for consumers, and I think most companies will find that they benefit as organizatons by nurturing their customers this way, rather than doing their best to spend as little time as possible on them after the sale.

Get Your Future In The Bag!

Many people are concerned about the "bag tax" in DC. This communist program is a scourge that shackles us all, but what can we do about it?

I have both the answers to the "bag problem," and your financial security. I know you're wondering, how is this possible? How can you be your own boss, earn as much money as you want, and at the same time save the Anacostia River?

With your help, we can accomplish all these goals:

• Clean up the Anacostia River


• Liberate the residents of DC from the tyranny of the bag tax


• Assure your financial security forever

Sounds crazy, right? But just give me a few minutes of your time, and I bet you'll be convinced.

Join my winning sales team!

For only $39.95, you can become an Associate in my unique Bag Upsell Program. Your starting packet includes 1,000 bags, with a street value of $50.00 (at 5 cents a bag), and promotional materials to help build your downline.

For each new bag sales associate you recruit into the program, you will receive $10.00, plus 10% of their downline sales. In no time at all, you will be receiving residual checks and living the American dream! Imagine working from home, as much or as little as you want, smiling all the while because plastic bags are working for you.

But how does this clean up the river?

Every bag we sell is impregnated with our patented BagEater nanotechnology. When a bag is exposed to water for an extended period of time, the bags break down, and releases the BagEaters. These amazing little guys then seek out and attack other plastic bags, reducing them to pieces of plastic small enough to be eaten by blue crabs. The more bags that end up in the river, the cleaner it gets! Honest! It's the future... today.

Why not just switch to reusable bags?

Because bags aren't just for carrying groceries!

Bags are sexy. You wouldn't like it if Big Brother took away your designer jeans, would you? Well, how come you'll stand for him taking away your bags? We should all be free to carry around any kind of bag we want. Don't let government tell you what's fashionable and what's not!

Bags help the homeless! Bags provide vital clothing and can-carrying services to DC's large homeless population. At five cents a bag, how could this man have possibly afforded to clothe himeself? Fight this discrimination against the homeless by ensuring that bags are available to all.

Bags for personal freedom! By building your network of Bag Sales Associates on sidewalks in front of grocery, liquor and Chinese/Italian/Mexican/Southern carry-outs throughout DC, you will be building your own financial security, while ensuring justice and liberty for all residents of DC.

Take the first step - join my program today. Only you can save the Anacostia. Only you can ensure your financial security in these uncertain times. Join today.

Visa, Mastercard, and Paypal accepted. No checks. No refunds. Estimates of future revenue streams do not constitue a guarantee. BagEaters may be unsafe for some or all organic life.

Comcast: You Can Blow Me

My last bill for the suite of services that I could almost certainly live just fine without - that is, cable television, internet, and my "land line," or IP phone, was $245.

That makes it officially the biggest single bill that I have ever received at my house, including gas in the dead of winter last year, despite having a house with windows that are older than Methuselah, a front door that seals so badly that I can clearly see the street when it's closed (and no, it has no windows), and no insulation.

Okay, technically it's three bills. But if you take out the phone ($40 a month, which I've been too lazy to cancel) and the internet ($35 a month, well worth it) we're still talking $170 a month for cable television.

ARE YOU F@&#($&*!ING INSANE?? I don't even have the full-on package! I've got HBO and Skinemax. That's all. Oh yeah, and I have such "services" as HDTV and DVR which used to be basically free. In six months there won't even be any non-HDTV, it's going the way of the dodo. The "teaser" price for this exact same set of services -- my first bill about 18 months ago -- was $105. In the intervening months, the price has gone up incrementally. I mutely accepted that, like a frog in a pot of water slowly coming to a boil. But last month, it went from the already outrageous $205 to $245. WTF? I haven't been paying the teaser rate for nearly a year now, so that's not it.

A regression analysis of the incredibly complex bill revealed that the rate for Skinemax and HBO was now $36 per month (up from $22) and the rate for my DVR service was $15.95 a month (up from $4.95 when this all began). The remainder I assume is bured among the various "screw you" fees.

Wow. That's a pretty big jump for one month. And frankly, no television is worth $170 a month. That's more than 5 bucks a day for Reno 911 and Alien versus Predator at 2 AM.

Comcast must have forgotten something very important.

YOU HAVE COMPETITION. Oh yeah, and it's a recession. When times get tough, ridiculously expensive luxuries like cable TV are the first things on the chopping block. Brilliant thinking - now that people are watching their spending, let's just jack the prices about 40 bucks for no good reason! Everyone else who didn't get their business degree from a cereal box is doing just the opposite- offering crazy deals to try to get their piece of the approximately seventeen dollars that the entire population the United States is willing to spend this year.

The resolution: DirectTV is being installed in two weeks. Their full-on package is $110 a month AFTER their teaser expires, and that includes about everything under the sun. Coincidentally, Verizon just mailed me an offer for their crappy DSL internet service for $9.99 a month for a year. So I'm going to get more channels and functional (if old-timey) internet service for exactly half the price of Comcast.

Customer Service Has Gone Too Far

My phone rang a moment ago. It was American Express.

Amex: Hello, this is (redacted) calling on behalf of American Express concerning your customer service call on June 9.

Jamie: Yes? Hmmm... they called me Monday because I had forgotten to pay my bill last month. I paid them electronically the same day, they must have it by now...

Amex: I would like to assure you that this conversation is confidential and anything you say will never be released to a third party.

Jamie: Okay, fine. Why are you calling? This is weird. Do I need a lawyer?

Amex: How would you rate the quality of service you received on your recent call with American Express? Please answer using a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is poor and 5 is excellent.

Jamie: Bursts out laughing. Wait a minute. You're surveying me about the call that you guys made to me to tell me I had missed a payment? Seriously?

Amex: Ummm, yes, that's correct.

Jamie: I'm sorry, it's nothing personal, but you have to admit this is pretty silly. The call was fine. They told me I was late paying my bill. I said I would pay it immediately. They said thank you and we both went on our merry ways. A this point, I have already spent more time on the customer service survey than I did on the original phone call.

Amex: Ah, OK, so you would say it was excellent. Is there anything else you would like to tell us about your experience?

Jamie: I really can't think of anything else I can say about it... but thanks for asking!

Amex: Thank you, have a nice day...


It appears that we have gotten to the point in society where the followup and metadata generated around any given activity consumes more resources than the activity itself.

It's bad enough that we get barraged with emails demanding we rate every single online transaction. Did your item arrive on time? Was it as described? Sure - there is some value to being able to see this kind of feedback. But it goes too far. On Amazon.com, for example, you are actually required to leave a comment in addition to filling out the survey. One-click checkout my ass... the post-purchase process is more complicated than the actual purchase!

Another example. I went to DMV about a month ago for that wonderful biannual ritual, the vehicle safety inspection. I was advised that I might enjoy completing a customer satisfaction survey while I waited for my car. For DC government vehicle inspection? Surely you jest. You really don't want me filling out that survey. Do we really need to solicit feedback on what is universally reviled as a frustrating, time-consuming process that involves baking in your car for an hour while sucking carbon monoxide from a hundred tailpipes around you? You KNOW what's wrong: It takes too damn long! Open more lanes! Re-open the West Virginia Avenue station! But apparently, we'd rather devote resources to surveys that tell us what we already know, than towards actually dealing with the problem.

Stop the madness. For the love of water buffalo, Amex, I didn't even call you in the first place, you called me. I didn't want to hear from you then, and I certainly didn't want to hear from you now. This will inevitably come to it's logical conclusion in all aspects of society:

Prison Guard, about to release inmate:

...one unused prophylactic, one soiled, one man's hair comb. One Timex digital watch, broken. Two gold-plated finger rings. One black suit jacket. One pair black suit pants.... but before you leave, we have a few questions.

How would you rate the cleanliness of your cell? Please rate from 1 to 5, where 1 is Gitmolicious and 5 is Club Fed.

Now, think about the last time you were ass-raped by a prison guard. Do you feel like they were too gentle, pleasingly rough, or raging like a silverback orangutan on steriods?

Big Things Come In Small Packages

Now, that's a paradox if I ever saw one. Is this the sort of line you give a girl if she's not impressed with the size of your package?

You know that there's someone laughing his ass off in the Pemmican marketing department...