Getting Past "Snopacalypse"

Snopacalypse. Snomageddon. SnOMG. Can you think of anything that says "December 2009" more than those words? Next you'll be saying "groovy" and "far out." Seriously, it's time to retire those threadbare memes now.

In anticipation of the impending catastrophe that awaits us tomorrow, I would like to propose some fresh "snowmenclature" to get us through the weekend. Something fitting of February 2010. Something both modern yet retro, that we can all grab hold of. Here goes.

Manifesnow. A long blog post about snow, e.g. this.

Snolocaust. The only thing worse than a snomageddon.

Snobedient. The guy who shows up to work when the office is technically open, even though the the buses and metro aren't running and there's a foot of snow in the road. You will be subjected to the stories about his 2-hour dogsled commute for the next two months.

Snomad. Opposite of "snobedient," people who don't even open their front door until two days after the snow has stopped falling. Most of the time when your neighbor's steps aren't shoveled several days later, it's not because they are out of town. They are snomads.

Snormal. What a prediction of snow has become in DC.

Snofanity. What comes out of your mouth while you are digging your car out for the fourth time in a month.

A Snookie.

Snopponent. Target it a snowball fight.

Snowned. What you are when you get hit with a snowball.

Snobotomy. That feeling you get when your brain freezes from being outside too long.

Snowgasm. No explanation needed.

Snookie. An albino Wookie. Alternate definition: something that happens before a snowgasm.

Snocreate. Possible consequence of snookie without a snophylactic.

Innasnowpriate. What this list is becoming.

New Hobby: MPD Mailing List

I signed up for the 3D MPD mailing list yesterday. You may be asking yourself, "Self, really? He just signed up for it?"

Yes, it is shocking, that even after years of griping about DC government, MPD included, I have only now decided to read the daily arrests and so on. I just never really thought about it too much, since all the big stuff gets repeated in many other outlets, but this is pretty good reading. Besides, since one of my biggest pet peeves is lack of transparency in government, I feel obligated to read everything that we actually can see.

The downside, as I have discovered this morning, is that I get to see the startling number of arrests made each week in my neighborhood.

The upside is that some of these are awesome. I am not going to publish the names here - not because it's not public information, but just because I don't want this to be the only place that googling some thug's name will return.

Here are a few selections from yesterday's arrest roll call:

ARREST# : 031000666
DT-TM: 02-FEB-10 - 1625
LOCATION: 3200 BLK OF PINE ST NW - PSA: 302
SEX: M
OFFENSE: URINATING IN PUBLIC
TYPE: MISDEMEANOR
OFFICER: E ANZUETA

This actually makes me very happy. I didn't realize that with all the other crap going on around here that the police really dealt with nuisance crimes like this.

ARREST# : 031000656
DT-TM: 02-FEB-10 - 0108
LOCATION: 600 BLK OF S ST NW - PSA: 308
SEX: M
OFFENSE: UNLICENSED HACKER
TYPE: MISDEMEANOR
OFFICER: T SULLIVAN

"Unlicensed hacker?" First of all, I didn't realize we had a cyber-crime unit in DC. But beyond that, is there a process in which one can become licensed to be a hacker?

Okay, bad joke. But irresistible nonetheless.


The last one, however, is very disturbing. Very disturbing indeed.

ARREST# : 031000660
DT-TM: 02-FEB-10 - 0600
LOCATION: 1600 BLK OF V ST NW - PSA: 303
SEX: F
OFFENSE: JURY DUTY- FAILURE TO APPEAR
TYPE: MISDEMEANOR
OFFICER: J BRENNAN

I remember reading that, some time ago, they arrested a handful of people for skipping on juty duty. To make an example. In DC, since we have basically a 1-to-1 ratio of non-felons to felons, you get called for jury duty pretty much every two years on the dot. Apparently, a lot of people had gotten over it and the no-show rate was getting pretty high. Apart from it being illegal to do this, there was a juror shortage.

I skipped out on jury duty last time. I didn't do it on purpose. And I've showed up for every single one of the other 8 or 9 times I've been called since I've lived here. There was something complicated involving a move, mail being forwarded to the wrong place, and maybe a jade idol. Or was that a hangover? I don't remember the details. But I didn't realize I was supposed to be there until it was too late, so when I realized I'd skipped it, I just said "oh well."

Is officer J. Brennan going to show up at my door, haul my ass downtown, and throw me in the "jury duty evader" tank?

Is there a warrant out for my arrest? Should I present myself to the 3D substation and let the law have its way with me? Will this prevent me from ever voting again, receiving a security clearance, or getting a $200 economic stimulus check from a future Republican president?

When finally I saw the then-overdue jury duty notice, I figured they would send another one with a new date. Call me again. Like everything else that you get from the government and accidentally ignore, such as a parking ticket, notice of tax audit, or focus group invitation. But no. I never heard from them again. How long has it been now? More than a year. Has it been two years?

I can't live like this. I am going to turn myself in after I pick up a copy of The Secret. I will see you in 20 years.

Important Announcement: There Will Be An Announcement

It snowed yesterday. Aren't you glad I told you that? Because otherwise, you probably wouldn't have realized it.

That is why I'm glad I receive the press releases from our government. This morning, at 9:30 AM, I got this one:

Fenty Administration to Deliver Inclement Weather Update

OMG. I can't wait for the Fenty Administration's "Inclement Weather Update." What news will they bring? Tornados? Tsunami? Hurricane? What is it that The Fenty Administration, with their Super Weather Collider 9000 that runs night and day, a mile beneath the Wilson Building, will tell me that I didn't already know by looking at weather.com?

Read on.

WHAT:	Mayor and city officials to deliver update on snow deployment initiatives.
WHO:	Mayor Adrian M. Fenty Department of Public Works Director Bill Howland DC Department of Transportation Director Gabe Klein
WHEN:	Wednesday, February 3, 2009 11:15AM
WHERE:	Ferebee Hope Recreation Center

Aha! The Super Weather Collider, with it's magnetic fields and gravitivity- and relativity-wave-inducing particle accelerators, will be deploying more snow. WHY? WHY? DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!

Frankly, I've already seen more snow deployment this year than I can shake a stick at. We've had snow deployed twice in the last week alone.

You know what?

It's time to cancel the city's snow deployment initiative and focus on snow removal.

Ironically, this "event" is not listed on the city's calendar. Nor could I find a copy of the press release anywhere on their web site. In some ways, this is not surprising, since creating a veil of obscurity around the mayor's location at any given time is in fact the official policy of the Fenty Administration. But still, since this is an actual press release, and they sent it to a public mailing list, you'd think it would appear somewhere on the DC government web site. But whatever.

Okay, now that we've made fun of Fenty's PR department's complete failure to grasp the English language, what the heck is the purpose of this meeting, anyway? Assuming it's actually about snow removal, is there really anything to discuss? It snows. You plow. Where does the need for an in-person press conference, with the mayor himself, arise here? Doesn't he have better things to spend his time doing, like training for a triathlon, going on a trip, or otherwise hiding from the press?

Ah, I think I get it. Since snow removal appears to be one of the few things that the city's been able to cope with reasonably well, we must have an in-person love fest where the mayor tells us how awesome everything's going. I wonder if he will take any questions that don't have to do with snow removal.

Actually, I'd settle for Fenty answering a single question about his policy of sending contracts to his frat buddies. But I'm not holding my breath.

So I guess I'll have to settle for a snow deployment update.

I'll be tuned in at 11:15. Will you?

---

P.S. I just wanted something to bitch about and this fit the bill. That is all.

P.P.S. My trash didn't get picked up yesterday morning. Or my recycling. That is all. Really.

iPad Saves World, But What's Next?

Last week heralded the unveiling of Apple's latest wonder-child, the iPad. As everyone with access to the Internet, a newspaper, or pictures of The Rosetta Stone knows, the iPad will revolutionize the world in much the same way the automobile, antibiotics, and the vacuum bottle have.

Since everyone has drunk the Apple cool aid, there is no question that any new product released by the company will be met the sort of rejoicing and world peace that can only be compared to the second coming of Christ. This is despite such obvious attempts at money-grubbing which include batteries that can't be replaced, and the inability to sell any software for one of their products without giving Apple a substantial cut. But making Steve Jobs rich is a small price for world peace, isn't it?

But never mind all that. This post is not about cool-aid, or even the glorious future that awaits us in a new world, filled with throngs of happy hipsters who have been led down the path of righteousness, converting all unbelievers with the touch of their touch-screen. That world will obviously be free of hunger, disease, poverty, and even hiccups. Especially hiccups. Instead, this post is about what's in the "Apple Core," that primordeal soup where future unstoppable products are conceived and gestated. Even though starting next week, the iPad will solve global warming at the same time as providing for all the world's energy needs, there will still be many opportunities for future miracles from the Apple Computer corporation.

So what's in the pipeline? Take a gander at these:

iQ: The world's "smart cue," it will change your drunken 2-hour 8-ball game into something Minnesota Fats would envy. With a precise GPS satellite uplink, it will automatically analyze your shot and tell you when you're perfectly positioned. It will even let you know when you're being hustled by accessing a datatabase of known bar scammers. You will only be charged for shots you make.

iRan: A device so small it can be hidden, er, anywhere on your body, this gadget is designed specifically to assist Middle Eastern political dissidents in escaping from dictatorial regimes. Essentially a tiny GPS receiver that comes with a a pair of running shoes, it was test marketed in the U.S. as the "Nike + iPod Sport Kit."

iCaramba: iPad rebranding for the Latino market.

iSore: A new product that will revolutionize, nay, eliminate the plastic surgery industry, the initial iSore is anticipated to be released in January 2011 for $999. This amazing device will project a holographic image of it's owner, making them appear to look like Jessica Simpson or Hugh Jackman. The iSore 2.0, which will be released three months later for $499, will expand its audience to the trashy market and include Khloe Kardashian and "The Situation" as options, among others. Initial iSore purchasers can upgrade to the iSore 2.0 for $199.

iDeal: Will revolutionize casino gambling by replacing table dealers with a machine that never misdeals and automatically shuffles whenever card-counting is detected. The perfect dealer, it will even make casual banter and tell players how disappointed it is when they lose.

iBall: The world's first virtual sex partner. Will surely make the blow-up doll obsolete.

iCon: Apple made "icon" a household word in 1984 when the immensely popular Macintosh changed computers from an intimidating machine with a screen full of baffling information, into something where you point at things and clicked them. Much like how a toddler interacts with you by pointing at your dinner, while he dumps his mac 'n cheese on the floor. This new product once again owns the word "icon" by offering an all-in-one espionage tool to would-be spies and con-artists. By enabling you to read your victim's minds, the unkowns are effectively eliminated from any scam.

iLand: Tsunami sunk your ship? Lost at sea? No longer a problem. The sunburned ragamuffin clinging to broken boards, dying of thirst, will be a thing of the past, as the new all-weather iLand will automatically direct you to the nearest dry land. Once stuck on your desert island, the iLand will let you download music and video via satellite connection at the castaway discount price of $0.69 per song or $1.49 per video. Internet connectivity is limited to the Apple Store. In adhering to Apple's "captive audience" market strategy, no outgoing email is permitted.

iDo: Apple will change the way the world thinks about nuptials by inventing the "Wedding 2.0" courtesy of the iDo. This amazing gadget will guide couples through every step of the process from planning with the iKnow add-on, to the wedding day itself with the add-on iVow Writer and the iRing, availabile in iRing "Tones" of gold, white gold and platinum. Many other add-ons are available. The base iDo application includes one free iPreNup download, as well as a 30-day trial of their marriage counseling app, dubbed "imSorry," and as well as "iSplit," the separation and divorce app.