Discovery Channel's Nutjob Finally Loses It

I am LOOKING for solutions so that we may not NEED electricity and all that stuff."

- James Jay Lee, 1/29/08

What you cannot see in this picture is the actual Discovery Channel building.

Hey, everyone! I just got back from a lovely weekend in Maine with my wife, and not even halfway through my first day back, there's a lunatic threatening to blow up a building two blocks from my office.

Being the voyeuristic type, I ran out to check it out, and took a few decidedly unexciting pictures, such as the one at right. I swear, it was mayhem: I heard nothing but sirens for two straight hours. The sound, apparently, of every single emergency vehicle in MoCo being scrambled to Ellsworth & Georgia Avenue. I got yelled at by one cop for being in the wrong place, but otherwise, nothing happened in my brief time at the scene.

The web, being what it is today, had already done all the sleuthing work necessary to give a detailed history of the individual involved here. God help me if my name ever makes the news in the wrong way. He goes way back with Discovery.

Silver Spring Singular, a blog about the town not called Silver Springs, has lots on this guy.

In March 2008, he threw around thousands of dollars at passersby, causing mayhem! That sounds awesome, actually. I wish I had been there.

A month before, he had organized a protest of Discovery, but by "organized" what he really did was pay homeless people to protest. I kinda remember this.

He tries to recruit people to his lunatic fringe on weird chat groups. He blames Discovery Channel for most of the world's ills:

"I disagree. Discovery is hugely responsible for what is happening and their ineffective programming must be protested and dealt with. The time for pussy-footing around the subject is done. It's time to protest them until they start changing their stupid message. They ARE glorifying the damned fishermen who are overfishing the planet and I would think that you would see that for yourself instead of defending them."

-- James Jay Lee, 1/24/08

As of now, he has posted a rather insane list of demands that mostly center on Discovery Channel programming. This list is on his web site here as well - but too much traffic to get it from the source as of this posting.

Demand number 4 is among my favorite:

"Broadcast this message until the pollution in the planet is reversed and the human population goes down!"

This could be a very long hostage crisis....

It's worth reading, though, and the list itself is a very compelling argument against too much sugar in children's diets.

In all seriousness, I hope everything works out OK, and that this is not one of the last photographs ever taken of the Discover Channel Building. As of right now, there are hostages being held. I am crossing my fingers that this ends peacefully.

Another lame photograph taken during the crisis that might as well have been taken on a random Sunday morning, for all the activity you can make out. At this point I went back to work, realizing I would learn a lot more online than a block from the Discovery Channel.

Update: Suspect Shot, Hostages Safe!

At 4:50 PM, police shot the suspect. All hostages are safe, it's over! Good work MoCo police. This ended much better than Die Hard.

Free For All @ Rhode Island Avenue Giant!

Since the opening of Columbia Heights' "new" Giant store a few years ago, the Brentwood Giant hasn't gotten much respect. But when it opened, it was the jewel of Northeast, the only full-service supermarket for miles around. I used to go by there now and then, if I happened to be going to Home Depot anyway. N. and I stopped by yesterday on exactly such a trip.

They've got these new self-checkout aisles there, and the configuration is a bit different than our Columbia Heights system. Instead of four self-serve terminals served by a single line, you've got four individual lanes with four individual lines. From the outset, this raised a huge red flag. As anyone knows, in the self checkout line, at least every other person either has no idea how to use the system, or has foolishly decided that they can check out an entire cart full of groceries by themselves before the store closes. Either situation can result in agonizing delays.

Either way, if you get stuck behind such a person, you might as well settle in, because it's going to be a long night. The "bank line" system at the Cohi Giant (and most other stores designed by people who posess even an iota of compassion for their customers) addresses this problem at least by ensuring that one slow person doesn't kill the whole line.

The other thing that's odd about the Brentwood system is that the self-checkout lanes resemble the baggage x-ray security lanes at an airport more than anything else. There are plastic barriers on both sides of the lane, preventing access to your groceries until the very end. I guess this had something to do with security, though I couldn't really understand what. As it turns out, I could not have been more wrong.

Since all the non-self-checkout lines were enormous, we took a big gamble and got in line at one of these TSA checkouts. Someone was just finishing, and two other people were ahead of us.

The first person stared at the machine for a few moments and, in a bit of self-awareness as rarely seen by elderly, technology-impaired supermarket patrons, realized his error and recused himself. Woo hoo! One down, one to go. It looked like our gamble would pay off!

Things went downhill from there. The woman in front of us only had about 7 or 8 items, but she started by putting a half-smoked cigarette on the scanner. This was the first sign that things were about to go horribly wrong. But things just got weird from there. At a snail's pace, probably predicated by her state of inebriation as was evident from the occasional whiff I got, she scanned two items: a bottle of gatorade, and a bag of chips.

The, she took the rest of her items and non-scanned them by simply throwing them down the conveyor belt. As we watched, she bagged (in her reusable giant bag, bless her heart) enough groceries to fill the bag, including a big box of frozen chicken or something, some milk, crackers, and several other items. It was enough to fill the bag such that boxes were sticking out the top. None of this caused any alarms to be raised by the system, like the sort that we are all familiar with when the weight of the items doesn't match what has been scanned.

But rather than just pay the total of $3.05 that she had actually scanned before proceeding to leave the store with her ill-gotten gains, she sought customer assistance. Apparently because she was paying with food stamps or something. She turned to us briefly to apologize for the delay (now going on almost ten minutes) because she was waiting for the cashier.

The cashier finally came over, and in a roughly 90 seconds process, keyed in an incredibly long series of keystrokes to process our hero's transaction. Thoughout this process, I kept wondering:

What kind of person not only conducts a small-scale heist at the self-checkout, but doesn't leave well enough alone and just pay the tiny sum of money involved to avoid possible detection?

What kind of supermarket employee cares so little about their job, that they will happily conduct their manual checkout intervention without noticing or caring that someone's leaving the store with a full bag of groceries for 3 bucks?

Why didn't the woman just finish her cigarette before she went shopping?

I briefly considered getting involved, but frankly, I have been wronged by Giant enough times that I felt they had it coming to them. And by that time we were happy to finally be able to check out and any further delay just seemed unnecessary.

But seriously, Giant. If your staff don't even bother to stop a shoplifter when the shoplifter is going out of their way to involve your staff in their transaction, you've got problems.

Lock Those Doors! or, How To Foil Car Theives in DC

One of my favorite mailing lists, the 3D Substation Mailing list, shared with me a video on the subject of "Vehicle Burglary known as Theft from Auto Crimes" from the "Crime Prevention Series." I eagerly clicked the link, bubbling with anticipation about the helpful information I would receive.



The 52 second video features Cpl. Marcino of the Collier County Sherrif's Office, and a spiffy, upbeat soundtrack. I was hoping for something a little more, er, local, but hey, crime is crime, right? My enthusiasm unabated, I watched on.

In case you don't have the 52 seconds to watch these important tips, I'm going to detail them here for you.

1. Safeguard those belongings before you get to your destination.

What does that mean, exactly? The stern Corporal didn't elaborate. Given that this is Florida, I expect this might include things like:

• Hide your beer in the way-back, or behind the front seats


• Secure all alligators with leather belts or tie-downs, and lock them in the trunk. This will ensure other poachers don't steal them from you.


• Return your rifles to your concealed, seat-back gun rack.

None of these seem particularly applicable to DC, though, so perhaps they just want you to finish snorting the blow off your dashboard.

2. Lock Those Doors!

Sage advice from the earnest Corporal. But I must disagree. Quite the opposite, I have found that "door locking" is one of the best ways to ensure you get a broken window in DC. While the "Talahassee Lock" pictured at left might provide some relief from car thieves (to the extent that in DC, nobody would even bother stealing a car that looked that crappy), not so here.

Quite the opposite, most of us in DC who have been the victims of frequent car break-ins leave their doors unlocked. Since DC car-thieves are notorious for not actually stealing anything, trying to prevent them from getting into your 1992 Toyota Corolla is pretty silly. They're getting in if they feel like it, it's just a question of whether or not you buy a new window after they do.

Not that leaving your doors unlocked guarantees that you won't get a broken window, since many DC car thieves seem to be unfamiliar with the operation of the handle on a car door. But it does increase your chances.

DC advice: Don't lock those doors. Unless you keep a burmese python in your car.

But on the the final piece of advice, the real kicker:

3. Most importantly, roll those windows up.

This is because, as Cpl. Marcino says, "the average thief can take that opportunity to reach right in, and grab your belongings."

Honestly, I am struggling with this one. First of all, it assumes that anyone in DC has any "belongings" in their car. Most of us are so used to having our cars broken into, that we often don't even leave our floormats in the cars.

While rolling up your windows is good advice in terms of keeping rain, raccoons and other wildlife out, it really has no bearing on the ease with which someone will access your belongings. As we established above, in DC, access to your car is only a brick away.

I do recommend following this advice in general, since it will make your car less likely to be the temporary napping spot for a passing homeless person, but it won't help keep your valuables safe.

... and that's it.

Apparently, these important measures are all that is required to remain car-break-in-free in Collier County. Unfortunately, here in DC, they don't cut the mustard. If you want to remain break-in free, simply follow these rules:

• Leave your car empty and unlocked.


• Don't own a Honda Civic or any car newer than 1996.


• Don't ever park in DC.

It's really that simple!

Child Safe, Amber Alert System Dangerous

A commenter on yesterday's posted noted that the full story was available from, of all places, Fox News.

As it turns out, this was an Amber Alert. The person who was actually missing was a six year old boy named Rashaun Robinson. He was apparently picked up by the "ex-girlfriend of the boy's mother," a phrase which only now raised my eyebrows, even though I've read it about five times. I guess since gay marrige is now legal in DC that should hardly come as a shock, and it didn't. It's not that the boy was picked up by his mother's ex-girlfriend that surprises me. It's just that girls with girlfriends is a lot more DC than Suitland.

But moving on. I was thrilled to discover that I had kept the recording of last night's prime time comedy extravaganza. Or rather, Tivo had kept it in it's "recently deleted" folder. I pulled out every bit of video-hacking geekery that I could muster and figured out how to get that video from my Tivo to YouTube. Now, I'm sure to all you people who watch TV online and download new Hollywood movies before they've even left the "cutting room" (if that's what they still call a digital editing studio), this is no great feat. But to me, this required at least 20 minutes of googling, and downloading two piece of free software. As it turns out, I already had said software installed on my computer from years ago, but had forgotten all about it. Apparently, I have done this before and entirely erased it from my memory, much the same way I would erase a bad Saturday Night Live rerun from the Tivo.

Behold, the Emergency Broadcast System message, above. Though in many ways you heard all this yesterday, having the actual broadcast in front of us presents me with a new opportunity to point out all the ways in which it fails.

Top Five Ways DC's Amber Alert System Stinks

At least Battlezone, circa 1980, had color.

5. 1960's technology used to produce message will convince most people their TV set has switched into "service mode."

Seriously. Is this the best you can do? A black screen with white text that will make most people think of "Pong" on their Atari 2600? I'm more likely to believe that Comcast has been hijacked by rebels, than there's a serious message I should be paying attention to.

4. The useful information is only in the audio track.

I made fun of this alert yesterday because I thought it had no information at all. I could not be more wrong. Actually, it included a name and description of the abudcted child. But only in the audio. Which, of course, I had muted, since the the message began with a seizure-inducing noise that had led me to a single, inescapable conclusion. A pteradactly must have thawed from the glacier in which it had been frozen for 100,000 years, woken up, realized that it was the only pteradactly on Earth, let out a heart-rending scream that was heard for 500 miles, and then laid back down and died.

3. What does "effective until 21:40 mean?"

The only actual information offered by the video feed is that the child abduction emergency ends at a certain time. In this case, 9:40 PM. I am dying to know how they could have predicted that the child would be found, and within two hours!

Also of note: this is not an Amber Alert, it's a Child Abduction Emergency. I guess they haven't updated this text since about 1996, when that term came into common use.

2. The MPD release gave totally different information.

From yesterday's post you can see the email I got at almost exactly the same time I saw this on TV. It said nothing about a missing child. Actually, it said the the abductor was the missing person and made absolutely no mention that, in fact, we were really concerned about the child she had kidnaped. Awesome.

1. No pictures.

Apparently, the only outlet that was capable of providing the correct information about who was missing, and also providing a photograph of that person, was Fox News.

I am not a religious man. But seriously, if Fox News is now more reliable than MPD and the Amber Alert system, GOD HELP US ALL.

New Hobby: MPD Mailing List

I signed up for the 3D MPD mailing list yesterday. You may be asking yourself, "Self, really? He just signed up for it?"

Yes, it is shocking, that even after years of griping about DC government, MPD included, I have only now decided to read the daily arrests and so on. I just never really thought about it too much, since all the big stuff gets repeated in many other outlets, but this is pretty good reading. Besides, since one of my biggest pet peeves is lack of transparency in government, I feel obligated to read everything that we actually can see.

The downside, as I have discovered this morning, is that I get to see the startling number of arrests made each week in my neighborhood.

The upside is that some of these are awesome. I am not going to publish the names here - not because it's not public information, but just because I don't want this to be the only place that googling some thug's name will return.

Here are a few selections from yesterday's arrest roll call:

ARREST# : 031000666
DT-TM: 02-FEB-10 - 1625
LOCATION: 3200 BLK OF PINE ST NW - PSA: 302
SEX: M
OFFENSE: URINATING IN PUBLIC
TYPE: MISDEMEANOR
OFFICER: E ANZUETA

This actually makes me very happy. I didn't realize that with all the other crap going on around here that the police really dealt with nuisance crimes like this.

ARREST# : 031000656
DT-TM: 02-FEB-10 - 0108
LOCATION: 600 BLK OF S ST NW - PSA: 308
SEX: M
OFFENSE: UNLICENSED HACKER
TYPE: MISDEMEANOR
OFFICER: T SULLIVAN

"Unlicensed hacker?" First of all, I didn't realize we had a cyber-crime unit in DC. But beyond that, is there a process in which one can become licensed to be a hacker?

Okay, bad joke. But irresistible nonetheless.


The last one, however, is very disturbing. Very disturbing indeed.

ARREST# : 031000660
DT-TM: 02-FEB-10 - 0600
LOCATION: 1600 BLK OF V ST NW - PSA: 303
SEX: F
OFFENSE: JURY DUTY- FAILURE TO APPEAR
TYPE: MISDEMEANOR
OFFICER: J BRENNAN

I remember reading that, some time ago, they arrested a handful of people for skipping on juty duty. To make an example. In DC, since we have basically a 1-to-1 ratio of non-felons to felons, you get called for jury duty pretty much every two years on the dot. Apparently, a lot of people had gotten over it and the no-show rate was getting pretty high. Apart from it being illegal to do this, there was a juror shortage.

I skipped out on jury duty last time. I didn't do it on purpose. And I've showed up for every single one of the other 8 or 9 times I've been called since I've lived here. There was something complicated involving a move, mail being forwarded to the wrong place, and maybe a jade idol. Or was that a hangover? I don't remember the details. But I didn't realize I was supposed to be there until it was too late, so when I realized I'd skipped it, I just said "oh well."

Is officer J. Brennan going to show up at my door, haul my ass downtown, and throw me in the "jury duty evader" tank?

Is there a warrant out for my arrest? Should I present myself to the 3D substation and let the law have its way with me? Will this prevent me from ever voting again, receiving a security clearance, or getting a $200 economic stimulus check from a future Republican president?

When finally I saw the then-overdue jury duty notice, I figured they would send another one with a new date. Call me again. Like everything else that you get from the government and accidentally ignore, such as a parking ticket, notice of tax audit, or focus group invitation. But no. I never heard from them again. How long has it been now? More than a year. Has it been two years?

I can't live like this. I am going to turn myself in after I pick up a copy of The Secret. I will see you in 20 years.

Confessions Of A Traffic Tattletale

Driving home from work at lunchtime today, which has become a daily ritual because of the new puppy, I was waiting at a light on 16th Street southbound. I was stunned when a truck ahead of me proceeded right through the red light.

As much as I think that DC is full of bad drivers, this is something you rarely see from an automobile. Cyclists? They run red lights all the time. And cars certainly break all manner of other traffic laws routinely. Frankly, I am surprised when I see a turn signal. I feel like pulling over and shaking the hand of any driver who actually signals before making a turn, to thank them for the selfess, rare act of compliance with the law that they have taken upon themselves.

But I honestly can't remember the last time I saw a car just drive right through a red light in broad daylight with lots of other cars around.

The light changed shortly after he ran it, but the truck soon disappeared in the distance. I am not going to lie and say I never exceed the speed limit on 16th Street. The prevailing speed of traffic is often over 40 MPH. But this guy must have easily hit 70.

I caught up to him again as he hit some traffic and watched as he weaved around a couple cars and ran right through the next red light.

At this point, he was a menace.

I thought briefly about the move I was about to make, and did it.

I invited the vampire into my own home.

I called the police to rat out a driver.

Like most people, I speed sometimes. I don't come to a complete stop at every single stop sign. But I am always in control and I always try to drive in a manner that is reasonable given the circumstances: traffic, road conditions, weather, foot traffic.

But this guy was either loony tunes or on his way back from a bank robbery. And goddamit, your Marlyand-plated ass is not going to get away with driving like a complete jackass in my city.

I told the cops what was going on and gave them the truck's description and licence plate number. I have no idea what happened next. But on my way back to work an hour later, there was a "speed limit enforcement wall" heading south on 16th Street. That is, two cops, driving side by side, on 16th Street, which would effectively prevent anyone from driving over 30.

I have no idea if my call somehow resulted in this, or if the crazy ass truck got picked up. And despite the fact that generally, cop cars babysitting traffic like this is pretty annoying, it made me feel like I got a response from the police. I didn't stop a mugging or a house break-in, but maybe I made 16th Street safer for one day.

I was fully expecting to be pulled over for talking on my cell phone while driving.

Beware the Facebook Scam. And The Cure.

* Yawn * So I got to work at 6:40 AM this morning because of some crazy deadline and was interrupted by a facebook chat from one of my friends. Serves me right, I suppose, for logging into facebook at all when I have so much work to do...


7:53am L hey are you there?

7:53am Jamie: yep

7:54am L how are you?

7:54am Jamie good, you?

7:55am L not too good

7:55am Jamie that sucks. what's up

7:56am L I'm stranded in London got mugged at a gun point last night

(Shockingly, my radar has not yet gone off, despite being a highly skeptical person who knows all about these scams. I blame lack of coffee and early hour.)

7:56am Jamie in london?

7:56am L all cash,credit card and phone was stolen

7:57am Jamie i thought those silly english folks only used knives.
sounds more like a DC story.

7:57am L it was a brutal experience but thank God i still have my life and passport

7:57am Jamie are you ok? not hurt?

7:58am L yea
my return flight leaves in few hours but having troubles sorting out the hotel bills
I need your help

(At this point I am starting to become suspicious for any number of reason... not the least of which is, I have not been in touch with this person too much lately, and they are the kind of person who would absolutely have been able to sort out this problem themselves).

7:59am Jamie what can i do?

8:00am L wondering if you could loan me some few $$ to sort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport?

8:01am Jamie sure, but how will i get it to you?

8:01am L you can have it wired to my name via western union
do you know any western union outlet nearby?

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! At this point I pick up my phone and call my friend, who is very pleased to hear from me at 8:00 AM with the news that her facebook account has been compromised.)

8:03am Jamie one sec

(Talking to friend on phone, who is now logged in and able to watch the conversation. Interesting and surprising: you can be logged into Facebook from more than one location simultaneously. If someone's logged in to your account, the act of YOU logging in DOES NOT kick them out. Stupid? Yes.)

8:04am L ok. let talk via email. ojeri51@yahoo.com
facebook is tripping

8:04am Jamie
ummm. yeah right.
ha ha
see ya scammer!

(Friend changes password. This action DOES cause all other sessions to be terminated, at least, which I confirmed by testing it myself from two different web browsers).


The Aftermath

Here's where things get a little ugly. This was all fun and games, and the scammer was booted before any damage occurred.

I reported the abuse to Facebook using their hacker victim form. I did this because I thought it was important to let them know about the abuse to add to their data, and possibly help track the way in which the account had been compromised.

I also clearly stated in the report that I had spoken to my friend on the phone and she had already changed her password.

Within minutes, I received a response from Facebook. They disabled her account. They told me to direct my friend to this page to get access restored. That page has no information on how to get your account access restored after Facebook disables it. The page she receives when she tries to log in is similarly unhelpful.

Facebook's security page advises people whose accounts have been compromised to do exactly this: log in and change your password.

Well, we did that.

What To Do Next Time Around

First and foremost, I wasted a golden opportunity to mess with a scammer. For example, this guy enjoyed quite a bit of wonderful thief-mind-f*cking before he finally moved on.

Second: The moral of this story is that no good deed goes unpunished.

If your facebook account is hacked, or the account of a friend is hacked, DO NOT report it to facebook or you will lose access. The only reason I can think to do this, is if you can't get in touch with the friend whose account has been compromised so that they can change their password. But you are setting them up for a big pain in the ass by doing this.

from      The Facebook Team 
reply-to  The Facebook Team 
to        (Jamie)
date      Thu, Nov 12, 2009 at 8:22 AM
subject   Re: 419 Scam - Friend Report
mailed-by facebook.com


Hi Jamie,


Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We have taken the appropriate action to secure this person's account.


In order to resolve this matter, please ask the account holder to view the Security section of Facebook's Help Center:


http://www.facebook.com/help.php?page=420


From here, they can take immediate steps to contact us and reestablish ownership of the account.


Thanks for contacting Facebook,


Jasmin
User Operations
Facebook

Thanks a bunch, Jasmin!!

Help An Animal In Need

I'm going to break from my usual snarky blogging to help publicize an important effort on behalf of the Washington Humane Society. A friend of mine works for WHS and has recently been working to raise awareness in the case of Trooper, the pit bull who was found near death in a dumpster. This was most likely the result of dog fighting, the illegal and inhumane sport which is known to take place in private yards and basements around the DC area.

Trooper underwent extensive emergency medical care at Friendship Hospital for Animals and was hospitalized for two weeks to save her life. She is now out of the woods and continues to improve, thanks to the efforts of dedicated people at WHS, and contibutions from people around the country.

Unfortunately, dog fighting is still a fact of life in DC. There are always animals in need of emergency medical care, and WHS does not have the resources to pay for these expenses directly. Sophie's Fund was established to pay for emergency medical care for animals in need. Even though Trooper is out of the woods, the fund still greatly needs support. Please help if you can.

Stay Involved - Follow Trooper's Progress

Washington Humane Society Blog
WHS Humane Law Enforcement Division on Twitter
WHS Facebook Group
WHS home page

NPR story about Trooper (summary, and audio)

Photo: Washington Humane Society

DC Police: A Cartoon Review

A brief story. While at the Red Derby the other day, a really drunk guy started harassing people at the bar and walking by. There was a cop on the corner a block away at Spring Road. Since this looked like it could get ugly soon, but didn't quite seem 911-worthy, I walked down to the cop and told him what was up. He had been hanging out by his police car talking with someone, possibly a friend, for a while.

The cop told me (correctly) that 14th and Quincy was out of his PSA, but he'd call someone. Spring road is the border.

Nobody ever came. Things very nearly got ugly. Someone got sick of him harassing everyone and started something. Luckily, other more cool-headed people at the bar stopped him. Later, the drunk guy fell over the fence onto the table where I was sitting with my date, and while I was only trying to prevent him from falling down, he tried to fight with me because he thought I was fighting with him. It could easily have become a fight at any point with any number of people. Luckily, some people who knew him eventually came and took him home. But the cop could easily have taken control of the situation 30 minutes earlier, instead of just leaving a firecracker with a lit fuse. A lot of serious crimes probably start out as more minor altercations that could be defused early.

The cop one block away couldn't bother to leave his engrossing conversation to walk a block and deal with an incident, and if he even called anyone, they didn't come. He was clearly not busy with anything of consequence.

What Is Wrong With This Picture

DC seems to remain baffled about how to better deal with crime in this city. In the last few years we've seen a slew of untested, reactionary approaches to the citizen outcry whenever there's a crime wave.

These have universally failed. Despite Kathy Lanier's claims to the contrary, the drops in crime in DC this year are not due to "All Hands On Deck" and the other silliness she's implemented.

News flash Kathy: When crime drops everywhere in the country, it's not because of you. And even if this was a phenomenon unique to DC, six months does not a trend make.

But they continue to push forward with initiatives that not only seem mind-bogglingly stupid at first glance, but don't produce any lasting results. Even the beat cops don't like them.

Obviously, the lawmakers in DC need to have things simplified a little bit so they can understand why these policies don't work. In an effort to make things as easy as possible for everyone to understand, I have prepared this pictoral overview of the effects of each the gimmicky DC policing policies instituted in the last couple years.

What MPD Has Tried











What MPD Has Not Tried, Despite Being Proven Effective Elsewhere





Please, Kathy, stop this reactionary approach to crime in DC.

Do what's tried and true. Get police out of their cars and into the community. Instill in them values that getting involved in a situation, no matter how small it may seem, is better than not doing so. Get them to care more about things that concern the citizens who come and talk to them, than about their big-gulp or conversation.

I hardly ever see cops on foot. I hardly even see them on bikes and segways anymore. Get them out of their cars. Get them walking their beats instead of parking on the corner until something happens.

I have not seen a policeman on foot on my street, five blocks from the Columbia Heights metro and three blocks from the Petworth Metro, ever. This is one of the most publicized areas in the city for criminal activity. And I spend a lot of time on my front porch. A lot.

What is wrong with this picture?

Happy Memorial Day, Welcome To Sarajevo

Washington, DC isn't well known for it's culture and traditions. We don't have New Orleans' Mardi Gras parades, or New Year's Eve in Times Square, or Boston's distinctive accents. And brawls. Actually it's hard to think of any really well-known uniquely Washintonian traditions here in "the city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm." Outsiders probably think mostly of the politics and the bullets when they think of DC. Oh wait, not the bullets, the Wizards. How ironic, that people were so concerned that calling our basketball team "The Bullets" was offensive because of the crime here. Nothing wrong with "The Redskins," though, that's just kind of racist.

But anyone who's lived here for a while knows this is far from the truth. Actually we have many wonderful traditions and cultural institutions. Like the half-smoke, and mambo sauce.

But one lesser-known tradition to outsiders is the annual July 4th celebration. I don't mean the one downtown where a million sweaty people stand for hours and get covered with ashes. I mean the Columbia Heights/Petworth July 4th celebration that begins every year on Memorial Day and ends sometime after July 4th whenever everyone's supplies are gone. Right on cue, on Monday night I heard a bang outside.

Now even though I am the first person to make an uncomfortable joke about all the crime that goes on in my neighborhood, I honestly don't hear gunshots from my home often. In fact, in two years, I don't think I've heard a single one. So my instinct was not to hit the deck when I heard the noise. Rather, it was to go outside and see what was going on. Sure enough, the sky was lit up. It was the beginning of the annual shifting of funds from DC to China, as my neighbor shot off some pretty impressive pyrotechnics.

But something was different this year. After a mere ten minutes had gone by since the first blast, I saw flashing lights as two cop cars blocked off the end of my street and proceeded to shut down the celebration. The show was over before it had even begun. Eventually they left, and I did hear one more get shot off later, but the police had pretty much put a stop to it for the night. It was a much different story than in years past, where such activities went largely ignored by law enforcement.

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. July 4th itself is an unbelievable show. From my back yard last year, I saw a nearly 360 degree display of rather impressive fireworks being shot off from the surrounding blocks. We talked with one of the "shooters" who excitedly told us of their annual pilgrimage to states south where you can buy big stuff that is not available around here. Three neighbors together had spent over $3,000 to put on their show last year. And it was quite a show. While obviously not the same caliber as what was going on at the mall, it was pretty impressive stuff, and having it right overhead is a lot more exciting than something blowing up a mile away. My alley was a war zone of smoke, flying bottle rockets and falling paper shreds. By the end of the show there was so much smoke you couldn't see fifty feet.

I am not going to lie - I like the show. It's fun, it brings people together because everyone's out on the street (at least, those brave enough to risk getting hit by a bottle rocket or roman candle), and it's a lot better than moshing at the national mall. At the same time, the month-long lead-in of firecrackers in a neighborhood where people are a little edgy about gunfire is not that cool. I'd probably be a lot more comfortable with the tradition if it was limited to July 4th weekend rather than the six weeks around it.

So I wonder what will happen this year. Police responded to the very first fireworks I heard, whereas last year I don't remember a single incident of them enforcing the fireworks ban. Without question it's a sign of the times. Columbia Heights is gentrifying rapidly with the completion of the DCUSA development and a massive influx of new, wealthier residents. And this process always involves a lot more vocal response to petty crime, and consequently a greater police presence. After all, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

It's a mostly harmless tradition, and it's sure a lot of fun. But it's also a pretty uncomfortable one for a neighborhood that is dealing with gang and gun violence on a regular basis. While I'm not sad to see the police shutting down the routine jackassery of shooting bottle rockets and fireworks every night for a month, it would be sad to lose the spectacular neighborhood show that is such a neighborhood experience, and which I've thoroughly enjoyed for the last two years. Sure, it's illegal and maybe just a little dangerous, but it's also something uniquely ours and a rare DC tradition. We'll see what this year brings.

Friday Festivus: Carter Barron Speed Trap

That would be, the airing of grievances. In the absence of anything insightful to say this morning, I thought I would publically gripe about something that bugs me daily.

The speed trap on 16th Street southbound near Carter Barron amphitheater. I drive through it every day. It is so obvious and familiar, I am about as likely to receive a ticket here as I am to spontaneously combust on any given day. No, my complaint is not the speed trap itself.

It is the moron drivers who feel compelled to slow down to 18 miles per hour in order to successfully navigate this trial.

The speed limit is 30. I know you can go that fast, because you were driving 45 -- like everyone else -- fifteen seconds ago. I am pretty sure you are also capable of reading a speed limit sign. And I am also quite certain that you understand what the relationship between the large "30" and the needle on your speedometer should be during periods of surveillance.

So why the hell do you fell compelled to come to a nearly complete stop every day in the middle of 16th Street?

On those rare occasions when there isn't a clusterfrack here during my commute home, I will gleefully cruise through the speed trap at the permissible 30 miles per hour, leaving some Honda Odyssey or Toyota Camry in the dust. The driver will invariably stare at me, aghast, as I willfully blow through the white horizontal lines at the speed limit. They seem to be thinking, what kind of man is that? What horrible, heinous maverick would dare drive a single mile per hour faster than 15 in a 30, while being clocked by radar? Who is that psychopath that would dare to stare straight down the gullet of an automated speed trap, consequences be damned???

I live on the edge.

Yeah.

It's good to be a gangsta.

Madoff's Billions

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one left trying to make a buck the old fashioned way. Like Smith Barney. You know, "we earn it." Ummm... wait... $700 billion bailout... oh, never mind.

Anyway, while such things as a few poeple pilfering $50 million from under the noses of the DC government are fairly shocking, this guy has apparently disappeared $50 billion in assets over a number of years. The article states that the firm had from 11 to 25 clients, some of whom may be other fund managers. Great. So even those of us too insignificant to even consider investing in something super high-dollar and super sketchy are probably going to suffer because our mutual fund manager bought Mr. Madoff a new corporate jet.

Anyhoo, I am becoming increasingly convinced that the entire global economy is really just a sham designed to make fewer than 100 people fabulously wealthy while the rest of us will end up looking greedily at stray cats as a possible dinner option in short order. But in the event that there is, in fact, some shred of reality to our financial system, here is some advice for staying afloat in the upcoming New World Order:

• Don't give millions of dollars to someone who inexplicably is able to give a return on investment that is better than anyone else, yet won't show you his books.


• If you have no clue how your potential investment works, probably you shouldn't invest in it.


• Avoid anyone who's name is a homonym for "made off."

The guy apparently is apparently facing up to 20 years in prison and a $5 million fine. How they come up with this stuff is baffling to me. Shouldn't the guy who swindled people out of the GNP of many small-to-medium sized nations be facing a fine a little bit more than $5 million? I mean, he'll probably have enough money left over to buy his way out of jail in 3 years! On the other hand, a first-time offender caught with 5 grams of crack is facing a minimum sentence of 5 years in prison. Chances are, Madoff will be back on his yacht in less time than that. What a system.

Anyway, the point of this post was really just to make a bad pun about Madoff's name. That being accomplished.... until next time.

The 911 Script

Yesterday at 11 AM, Adams Morgan again became the wild west as a Latino male was shot in broad daylight. The Prince of Petworth's story has an excellent account of the events in the comments.

There's also a bit of discussion there about the way the 911 operator handled the call. I was immediately reminded of the last time I called 911. They said the operator would not dispatch police until being given a street address. My own experience was similar. I told them I was on 11th Street NW between Park and Monroe. After negotiating about whether it was Park Place or Park Road for a while, they demanded a block number (which luckily I know because I live a couple blocks away) despite the fact that I'd told them it was halfway between two streets.

By the way there is a Park Place in DC - but it sure as hell doesn't intersect with 11th, in fact, it's parallel. If you put 11th and Park NW into Google Maps, it pulls up the right place in a second. Apparently, 911 operators don't have internet access.

I am sure there's some reason for this amount of anal retentiveness when fielding 911 calls, but whatever it is, it's not good enough. When you call 911, you're freaked out. That's why you called - because there's a crisis or all bloody hell is breaking loose. You don't have time to look for street numbers on nearby buildings, if there even were any to be found. You don't have time to go to the corner and look at the block number on a street sign, if there even is a street sign.

I understand if people give ambiguous directions or don't say the quadrant. But that is not the case in these situations. If you give a 911 operator an intersection, or a block between two streets, there should be no reason for any further discussion. This is how we tell cabs where we are going, this is how we describe locations to our friends. It works. Just. Fine.

This situation delays police response and frustrates people to no end. Why can't this be fixed?

The Continuing Crisis: "ATM Thefts"

I received today via one of my DC mailing lists this warning about the threat of falling victim to an ATM scam in which the crook can obtain your card and PIN number without your knowledge. The email included this powerpoint presentation that shows in a series of slides taken from an ATM security camera how the scam is perpetrated. It was sent directly from a DC MPD Lieutenant.

Being immediately skeptical about the latest threat to the safety of the world that I receive via email, especially when it originates from an official source, I googled it. As it turns out, this isn't exactly breaking news. Hoax slayer put up a page about it on December 4, 2006, but confirms that it is not a hoax. Some official looking European anti-fraud website has the presentation hosted as well. It's unclear who actually put this thing together or how old it is, but the nature of the scam seems to be of the sort we might have seen in WarGames circa 1983. In the demonstration they talk about a sum of money that is "R4,000" so clearly this originated in some quaint European dukedom with funny colored bills of different sizes.

So I looked through this presentation, available here as a regular slideshow for those who don't have Powerpoint. It isn't rocket science. A piece of film is installed in the ATM machine to basically jam the mechanism when someone puts in their card. The con artist then pretends to help the victim with some story about entering the PIN again while pressing another button, and obtains the PIN in the process. Eventually, unable to recover his card, the vic leaves, and the con artist pulls out the card from his trap.

I got three things to say about this dire warning.

1. Do any bank machines even capture your card any more?

2. While criminals in Europe may be clever and polite, is there a single crook in DC who would go to all this trouble to get your money when you are at the ATM, versus the much simpler solution of sticking a gun to your head and demanding you withdraw $500 and give it to him?

3. This presentation ends with the ubiquitous calling card of all that is useless on the Internets:



I, for one, will not be losing any sleep when I use an ATM.

Sucks To Be You, Ramsey

There's nothing funny about this incident, in which Philadelphia police are videotaped brutally beating suspects. But at the same time, you can't help but smirk a little when something like this happens... and it's NOT in DC. So nyah nyah to you Philly, you're stuck with our sloppy seconds in charge of your police department, and look what's happened already! Hey, you guys don't happen to be looking for a new CFO too, do you? We got one who's got about 50 million reasons to be looking for a new job. You can have him, cheap. Expect a resume soon.

Anyway, if you haven't seen the video, which was taken from a local news channel's traffic helicopter, it's pretty shocking. Up to 15 policemen are captured on film beating, kicking and generally assaulting three suspects after pulling them from their car. Chief Ramsey, stating the blindingly obvious, said in a TV interview on Tuesday, "The video kind of speaks for itself." Umm, yeah. While promising a full investigation, Ramsey and the Mayor almost try to excuse the incident, saying it might have been related to stress because of the murder of a police officer over the weekend. As it turns out, though, these people weren't even suspects in that particular case.

Worst of all, while everyone else in the world seems to think this is news, if you were to just read the Philadelphia Inquirer online, you'd probably not even notice the story. It's more than halfway down the page, well "below the fold." Apparently, the big print is reserved for such important stories as "Harried Homeowners Seek Out Help," and "Phil Sheridan: The Flyers' Hatcher is tough, and then some" today. I archived the page here in case you aren't reading this today.

Racial Tension in Columbia Heights

I was about to drop in to Red Rocks on my way home around 10 PM last night, when a frantic looking Hispanic man approached me and stammered something about the police. I couldn't understand what he was saying at first, but quickly realized that they had been attacked and didn't have a phone to call for help. I called 911 as he motioned that I follow him down the street. Another guy had been standing outside Red Rocks when he approached and we both went with him down 11th Street towards Monroe.

The man was with another younger guy who hadn't spoken and was holding his head, but looked like he was pretty dazed. Halfway down the block there is an alley that goes to an open lot behind 11th between Park and Monroe, and a third Hispanic guy was standing in the alley entrance, clearly having also been attacked. At this point I was still on the phone with 911, after having given them the address about six times. (For some reason, "11th Street Northwest between Park and Monroe" was baffling to the operator.)

A cop was there about two minutes later. An ambulance did not arrive for at least 15 minutes. In that time, what ensued was my first personal experience of how racial tensions exist on the street in my neighborhood.

The cop was black. The three victims were Hispanic. The first guy, who had originally asked me for help, spoke pretty good English. The other two guys who had been beaten up did not speak English. They were all clearly at various levels of drunkenness. I explained to the cop what had happened: they had been hanging out in the empty lot (presumably drinking) and had been attacked and robbed by five or six black guys. Did I see them? No, I wasn't there. Who called the police? I did. How long ago did this happen? About 5 minutes. Did anyone see the perps? I indicated that victim #1 had seen them.

The cop asked him to describe them. (Below is of course paraphrased, since I didn't take notes on the conversation, but this is basically how it went).

Vic: Why should I tell you? You're not going to do anything.
Cop (talking to me, not victim): I can't do anything if he won't talk to me.
Vic (to me): He doesn't give a crap about us.
Me (to Vic): You gotta tell him what they look like.
Vic: I know these guys. I know them.
Cop: Do you know where they live? Do you know who they are?
Vic: I know them. I don't know where they live, but I know them.
Cop (now holding a sketch pad): Just tell me what they look like. I can go after them.
Vic: You won't do anything anyway, why should I tell you?
Cop (to me): It's too late now. They'll be long gone.

The first cop had called in after he arrived and asked for a bilingual backup. Another cop eventually arrived, but did not speak Spanish. He said they were having trouble finding a bilingual officer. The other guy I had come from Red Rocks with went back there and grabbed a friend from there who spoke Spanish, but at that point it really didn't matter.

The subtext to this exchange was that there is massive mistrust of the police by the Hispanic community, and there is a lack of respect for the Hispanics by the police. The cop wasn't being a jerk or anything, but I basically felt like neither the victim nor the cop were interested in talking to each other. They were talking through me. The vic did not trust the cop. The cop did not take the vic especially seriously. Sure, he was drunk, but clearly he was also freaked out. His friends were bloody and beaten up pretty well, it was not a joke.

The Mt. Pleasant riot, sparked by an altercation between a black rookie cop and a Salvadorean man, was 17 years ago next month. It is pretty obvious that those wounds are far from healed in this town. When I think of racial tension, I usually think of tension between upper-class white gentrifiers and the lower-middle class long-time residents in Columbia Heights, largely African American families but also Hispanic immigrants. I've always thought of that tension as driven just as much buy socioeconomic status as by race. But this conflict - working class Hispanic guys mugged by black guys, black cop responding, white guy translating, is completely different yet just as much a part of the challenges that our community is facing. I don't know what the answer is but the situation has apparently changed very little in 17 years.