'Tis the Unseasoned

Thanksgiving. It's here again. Tomorrow, yeah!

It's that time when most Americans fire up that seldom-used appliance, the range, and roast a 20 pound bird. This even includes most people for whom "cooking dinner" means sticking a London broil that Whole Foods marinated for you into the oven for an hour.

I, too, will be conforming to this most American of traditions, though the only turkey for which I'm personally responsible will be deep fried in glorious peanut oil. But I am also supposed to be making the stuffing for the other bird, which shall be roasted. The reasons for this division of labor are political in nature.

I love stuffing. It is so gooey and delicious and soaks up all the best parts of the bird. It's good by itself, with turkey, on sandwiches. It's good hot or cold. It's especially good to snack on in the middle of the night. But not all stuffings are created equal.

Stuffing comes in many forms, from Stove Top, which is something I ate at 3 AM when I was in college, to "do it yourself" which involves baking a loaf of just the right kind of bread, letting it get stale, and chopping it up into cubes. Or, if you happen to be a "homesteader" or something, using the stale bread that you already have since of course you make all your own food and waste nothing.

My personal level of cooking patience falls slightly on the easier side of doing it all myself. That means, I want to get a bag of bread that's already stale and cut into cubes. I don't want to dry out my own bread or worry about getting the right kind of bread and wonder if it will be the right texture after I let it sit for a week. And also hope it doesn't have any psychedelic mold spores growing on it by that time.

So I leave those basics to some industrial baker, but I want to season it myself with some fresh veggies, herbs and spices.

It has become nearly impossible to buy unseasoned stuffing.

I went to no less than five supermarkets before finding the holy grail you see pictured above: a bag of unseasoned bread cubes.

I finally got it an Snider's, a little independent supermarket in Silver Spring. This was after trying:

• Giant? Negative. Only seasoned stuffing from Pep. Farm and Arnold's.
• Safeway? Negative. Safeway actually sells their own brand of stuffing, that looks sorta homemade, but it is just as doused in dried onions and stale celery powder as every other brand they sell.
• Whole Foods? Negative. I had high hopes, but despite dealing with the insane crowds and pompous people, struck out again. Oh, they have their own brand too, "365 Everyday Value Organic Stuffing Mix"... traditional flavor. That means, of course, dried onions and "organic chicken flavor" whatever that is. Does that mean, it tastes like organic chicken? Is that different than "Purdue chicken flavor?" Could you have "organic Purdue chicken flavor," that is a fully-organic flavoring that tastes like Purdue chickens?

Anyway. It seems that, these days, most people are not interested in even the most basic of cooking tasks: chopping up some stuff and throwing it into your stuffing so it doesn't taste like it came from Boston Market.

It's not exactly rocket science. In fact, it's probably the easiest part of the whole meal. So why is it near impossible to find some bread cubes that haven't been infected with the contents of Pizzeria Uno's spice drawer?

Just tell me the truth, people. Am I the only one left on earth who is interested in seasoning my own stuffing?

The bag I bought was the only one in the entire store. This means one of two things. They were all sold out because it's incredibly popular, or they only had one bag at all. When I asked at each of the other three markets if they had "unseasoned stuffing" the employees generally stared at me as if I'd asked if they sold ostrich relish.

I'm guessing they sold one bag of unseasoned stuffing this year. I should probably check the date, it's probably been there since 1998.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May your bellies be stuffed, whatever that stuffing be made of.

First Impressions: Meridian Pint (Updated)

Update, July 9, 2010

N. and I went to Meridian Pint again last night with a couple friends and I am happy to say that we greatly enjoyed our food this time, and the service and overall experience was excellent again.

I had the steak, and I have to say, it was a damn good steak. As I mentioned before, I'm always a little skeptical about a steak, especially something like a New York Strip, from a restaurant that isn't a steakhouse. Meridian Pint did a bang up job. I ordered it medium rare, and it was perfectly cooked, barely warm in the middle, juicy and delicious. The sauce it was served with was subtle and did not overwhelm or conflict with the natural flavor of the beef. The mashed potatoes and spinach were also very tasty. At $21 it's actually a pretty damn good deal for a steak!

N. had the grilled trout, and loved it as well. Cooked perfectly. Out guests had the double-cut pork and the burger respectively. I didn't try either but they both raved about them.

So I'll chalk my first experience up to either opening day, or maybe the beef rib sandwich just isn't a winner, but for last night's return visit everything was great.

I still think the menu could use a little fleshing out for carnivores, but there's no question that the chef knows what he's doing and the food was delicious.

We also took a look at the basement area last night, which we did not on our first visit. What a cool bar room. This is where the famous table taps can be found, as well as a long bar and two pool tables. The space is dark, cozy and sure to be a hit - a welcome addition to the watering holes that we already have in columbia heights, and having a couple pool tables down the street rocks!

Cheers to Meridian Pint - I expect to be a regular customer.

Original Post Follows



N. and I decided to embrace the glorious weather last Thursday with a ride on Merdian Pint's inaugural cruise. We've been watching the slow progress for what seems like an eternity now, and it's wonderful to see the place has finally opened it's doors for business.

The restaurant, which replaced the abanonded Bi-Rite Supermarket that was an icon of times past, is more than just another eating option. It's symbolic of the transformation of the 11th Street commercial corridor, which has been slow to evolve even as downtown Columbia Heights has turned on its head in just a few short years. The last significant opening on the block anchored by Wonderland was Red Rocks, across from Meridian Pint at 11th and Park. Red Rocks was the pioneer of this important yet languishing commercial strip. But despite their success and endearment to the neighborhood, there were few followers in the nearly three years since their opening.

So how was it?

The space is great. The front of the restaurant is flanked by two roll-up garage doors that create an indoor-yet-outdoor dining experience. It's got a mix of tables, high-top, booths and bar seating. This is surrounded by blonde hardwood floors, what looks like a tin or replica tin ceiling over the bar, paneling around the bar area, and beige-painted walls. The overall effect is a little conflicted style-wise but very inviting. It's warm, airy, and doesn't feel too crowded, even as a dozen people milled around in the entrance area.

Our service was good. Actually, considering it was their first day, it was excellent. We started with chicken wings which I thought were pretty good and N. was less enthusiastic about. Bear in mind, though, that I make the BEST DAMN chicken wings in Columbia Heights, if not the free world, so there is a very high bar to reach for there.

Food Foibles

We both seemed to have a little trouble choosing our entrees, and where we landed was a bit rough. I had the beef rib sandwich, which came topped with a purple cole slaw and no sauce of any kind. Unfortunately, it was entirely bland. I actually put ketchup on it. I am not sure if it was supposed to have come with some sauce, but it was pretty flavorless.

N. had the salmon salad with curried lemon yogurt dressing. The curry flavor was overwhelming to the point where you could taste little else. It was just kind of weird. Perhaps we just didn't like the salad, but the sandwich was unquestionably missing something.

Overall, I think the menu is a little tricky for me because I'm not a vegetarian, and it has a strong bent towards crunchy-friendly items. Among the ten entrees, three are vegetarian, two are fish, one is roasted chicken (who gets chicken at a restaurant?), and one (turkey and potato hash) is entirely unappealing to me. That last one sounds like something you would get at the end of the food drop cycle in an Iraq military base.

The remaining menu items are a steak, a pork chop, and short ribs. I have no problem with any of these, though steaks outside of steak houses can be risky. I suspect these three items are where I'll end up most of the time. Though I am not adverse to fish and chips once in a while either... I just wasn't up for the fried fest when we were there.

On the sandwich side, there's also not much that grabs me. The rib sandwich I had looked the most interesting. I'm not likely to order a $10 half-smoke when I go out to eat, and everything else is either veggie/wierd (soy smoke??) or boring (chicken salad sandwich and a hamburger).

Take all this with a grain of salt

I don't want this to be taken as overly negative, because I made one visit and we had a couple things, none of them entrees, that were less than stellar. But everything else about the experience was good. My overall criticism has mostly to do with the fact that I didn't click with the menu, than with one beef rib sandwich that needs some help.

I think expanding the sandwich options to include a couple more items that are NOT a hot dog, veggie, or a hamburger would solve the problem at that end. For the entrees, it would be nice to include a couple of interesting non-veggie, non-fish options. If you're a meat eater and you aren't feeling the fish, and you write off the chicken from the get-go as many do, the choices you're left with just don't seem that interesting. I think this could easily be corrected by just adding one or two more items.

I am looking forward to returning and trying these some of the other items that actually DO grab me when I return, actually, tomorrow. We have plans for dinner with a couple friends... and we're going EARLY since it's supposedly been packed every night since opening.

Other reports I have been hearing and reading about the food seem mostly positive, too. So I'm optimistic, even if my first experience was not earthshaking. The prices generally seem about right, too, so at the end of the day, I really only need to love a couple things on the menu to make it a regular stop for me. Tweaking the menu just a little would make a big difference, though, in terms of making the selection feel less constrained for carnivores. I am sure that it will evolve in time like any new restaurant.

Oh yeah, the beer: I loved my Founders Red's Rye IPA! The tap beer selection is awesome and they also have some decent wines by the glass. Don't change a thing here, the drinks are a win.

The Road to Leftovers

In which I discuss old food, and the quest for old food in "The Road."

I eat leftovers. Old ones.

There, I have said it. I'm not ashamed. I hate wasting food and have been known to eat things that have been in the refrigerator long enough to receive four weeks' vacation each year. Freezer burn can be fun! Dinner goes from a tedious affair, to a special surprise, since you don't know what you'll be eating until it's defrosted. Sometimes not even then.

N. does not share my enthusiasm for green cheese and grey meat. While I prefer to rely on the "stink test" to determine the safety of most items found in the fridge, she prefers more conventional methods. Personally, I think that "best if used by" dates are a guideline, rather than a rule. I mean, if it said "absolutely do not use after this date," that would be one thing. But it's really just a suggestion. And then there's the "sell by" dates. Well, I bought it by that time, didn't I? Once it's in my fridge, obviously, time stops and I can eat it until it decides to leave on it's own volition.

Anyway, in the interest of protecting herself from my toxicity experiments, N. has started marking items with a date after they've been liberated from their original packaging. In some cases, such as the taco shells picture above, that information was not available. As you can see, her dating convention accounts for this situation as well.

I had leftover tacos for lunch yesterday... mmmm....

Moving on down the road...

On the subject of old food, we happened to watch this movie "The Road" the other day. The majority of this film involves a man and his young son clawing their way around a burned-out post-apocalyptic world looking for old food, since nothing will grow any more.

This movie is based on the pulitzer prize-winning novel of the same name by Cormac McCarthy. Because I am functionally illiterate (I just finished reading my first book in 14 months last week) I had never heard of the book. No matter, though, because had I known this fact before watching the movie, it is certain that my disappointment would have been that much greater.

I am going to level with you. And this may expose me as a boorish, MTV-generation loser with the attention span of a gnat.

I did not like this movie. At all. It was an exercise in bleakness. It's not that I can't handle slow-paced movies. I can. But when the high point of a movie was watching Viggo Mortenson finally wake out of his depression long enough to defend himself against a bow-and-arrow attack using a flare gun, it's time to consider the appropriateness of the medium.

What I'm saying is, perhaps this was a great book. Apparently there are droves of people out there who are entertained and inspired by a story of survival in a grim, hopeless world. Maybe, as a novel, one finds much insight into the character of humanity, finding life and clinging to morality in a lifeless world. I don't know, since I did not read the book. All I got from the movie, though, was scene after mind-numbing scene depicting the end of civilization and the pathetic fool's quest of two of the handful of survivors. It was basically like watching a cancer patient's last two hours of life.

Apart from the pure unpleasantness of the watch, there was no effort made to explain what this was all about. Perhaps this is not important for the movie's target audience (obviously, not me) but if you are going to create a vehicle for an end-of-days character study, at least make it plausible.

Something seems to have wiped out all life on earth, including every plant and animal. Yet somehow, a number of humans survived. What an odd catastrophe! Was it nuclear? Disease? Are some humans just miraculously immune to the effects of whatever it is that made the entire earth look like an abandoned Detroit suburb in January? And all along I thought it was the cockroaches that would survive.

I realize that for the literati, the backdrop of a story is merely a stage. The grey landscape and the brutal conditions are a canvas upon which a story is told. But if these deplorable conditions defy any conceivable reality, then what we have is an excercise in academics. It is no different than an economist demanding that the world must behave rationally, because in a village of three people, it always does. There is no such village. The oversimiplified setting detaches the story from any kind of reality. It makes it impossible for me, the viewer, to evaluate and absorb the emotions and actions of the actors in any substantive way, because I do not believe it. Each of the handful of confrontations on this Odyssey between our anti-heroes and the few other survivors is specifically contrived, altogether implausible, and consequently without weight.

Anyway, I can't recommend this film, unless you need something to put you over the edge on your plans for an oxycontin overdose.

The Official End of The Holidays

Many people think that the holidays end after New Year's Day. Not so. The legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr., in addition to changing the shape of civil rights in this country forever, is a Federal holiday that eases us out of vacationland. Many people have just finished their first full week of work in about a month, and this well-placed holiday helps ease the pain of a long, dark time with no holidays to come. With the exception of President's Day next month, we don't have much to look forward to until July 4th. That is, other than three more months of cold.

Hello, delicious piggy...

We got our January summer, though. It seems that just about every year in DC comes with an unseasonably warm few days in January. Back in the day, when it used to be hot in DC, that meant we got a few days of 60 and 70 degree weather oddly placed in the dead of winter. This year, it meant we got a couple days that barely edged into the 50s. But the timing over the long weekend couldn't have been better, and I took advantage of the relative balminess to smoke a seven pound pork shoulder.

It was delicious. And will continue to be as it provides leftovers for a week. This has got to be the cheapest, most delicious way to eat imaginable. Though it takes about 8 hours, the effort is pretty minimal thanks to the invention of the propane smoker.

Some purists will revile the use of propane to make barbecue. These poor luddites, clutching on to their rusty oil-drum smokers like a shipwrecked sailor to his overturned lifeboat, are only limiting themselves with their sad devotion to an ancient religion. They are doomed to babysit their barbecue for hours, constantly adding charcoal and working hard to maintain the sweet spot of 225 degrees needed for pulled pork perfection. But with propane, you can more or less "set it and go." I'll check in every hour or so to make sure everything's still good and add more hickory chips as they are consumed, but this is as good as any barbecue cooked with dead trees. And it's dirt cheap. A seven pound pork shoulder is about 10 bucks. Throw in some buns, cabbage for cole slaw and some baked beans, and the total cost to feed about 20 people (or 2 people for a week) is about 15 bucks.

Apropos of cheap eating, I read an interesting account from an observer in the kitchen at a DC public school. Recently, DC has changed from a system of completely prepared food that's just reheated on-site, to completely on-site prep. This should result in better quality and nutrition, in theory, though in practice it doesn't sound a lot different, since it sounds like everything they are working with is processed. They didn't even have a range yet at this school. Sounds about right for a typical DC improvement. But the cost per meal is $2.68. I am not sure if that's just food or the total cost of the operation, but I say let them eat pork barbecue! Even at retail prices my cost per meal is under a buck.

Anyway, inbetween smoker check-ins, I was working on my bathroom. For those who have not followed my progress on this debacle, the project began slightly more than six months ago. That puts the timeline officially in the "ridiculous" category. When I gutted the bathroom on July 4th of last year, never in my worst ADD nightmare did I imagine that it would not be finished before calendar turned 2010. That "milestone," combined with my fiancee's gentle observation that it was getting a little silly at this point, refocused my efforts. Over the last two weekends, I finished all the tiling and grouting. The shower was used for the first time without plastic liners all around the enclosure on Saturday.

So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All that's left is the transom over the glass-block window, which is still in the hands of the artisan but should be finished soon, and some drywall finishing/sanding and painting. Then, only then, sometime around 7 months after the first hammer swing, will the "under construction" signs shall be removed. Keep your fingers crossed.

Restaurant Week '10. Or Weak Restaurant '10. It's Your Choice.

Once again another Restaurant Week is upon DC. This once annual, and now sort of semi-annual event, is a chance to eat out at some of DC's finer establishments for a low fixed price. From January 10 - 17, 2010 participating restaurants agree to give you a full course meal for a fixed price of $20.10 per person for lunch, or $35.10 per person for dinner. Considering that entrees in the $25+ range are rather commonplace, and even classically cheap places like Pasta Mia are charging $18 for a bowl of pasta (yes, it's true, I was just there), this is a great way to live like the other half on a somewhat reasonable budget.

Or is it?

The problem with Restaurant Week is that a lot of places don't get it. Back in the day, we used to look forward to this every year. The event was embraced by many local restaurants. It was actually their idea, a good one, a way to drum up business during the typically slow August doldrums. But as the tradition took hold and most area restaurants participated, the value has become questionable.

The problem isn't Restaurant Week itself. The problem is that it seems a lot of places participate because they feel they must rather than because they think it's a good business opportunity.

Typical Restaurant Week entree

What this means, practically speaking, is that a lot of places basically phone it in. They offer an extremely limited menu. The waitstaff sometimes seems put out for actually having to (gasp) provide you with the same quality service as everyone else, because you are ordering from the Restaurant Week menu. You sometimes find yourself looking at the pathetic, limited selection of appetizers and entrees, and wondering, if I even wanted a Banana Slug Terrine, followed by Mom's Favorite Tuna Noodle Casserole, would it be worth $35?

Let ask a very pointed question to all Restaurant Week participants.

If we aren't going to be able to order anything that's not from the "kids" or "last night's leftovers" section of the menu, then why did you bother participating?

Contrary to what some latecomers to Restaurant Week may believe, the point of RW isn't to unload all the crap that's going bad in your fridge. It's not supposed to be the restaurant equivalent of flying super-economy class on Continental Airlines.

Because you know what happens when you do that?

We don't come back. Oh yeah, and there's a good chance we'll write something evil about your restaurant on our blog. Oh, you think that nobody will read that? Well, think again. Google "columbia heights eating". The sixth hit is my stupid joke post from yesterday about soylent green. From yesterday! And compared to, say, an actual food blog, or, really, just about any other blog, I am nobody. Yet I still have enough google street cred to be on the first page for some pretty basic searches. That's right - if you screw me at restaurant week this year, I will destroy you.

I am always amazed how many supposed businesspeople seem to have no idea about how to run a business. Restaurant Week, a clever invention of actual people who own restaurants, is a way for these places to fill empty tables during slow times, and to get people in their doors who wouldn't otherwise be there. People who may, in fact, be having their first experience at your restuarant during Restaurant Week. People who will come back if they liked their meal, and tell their friends, about the sort of experience they had at your restaurant.

Nobody expects you to go broke or give away the farm. But if there's no value, then you have done nothing more than created an unhappy customer. Or more likely, a one-time customer. If we can't actually order anything other than a tiny, crappy subset of your menu, or even worse, really lame stuff that you concocted just for RW out of leftover bread crusts and beet ends, then why do you think we'd ever want to come again? If we walk away feeling like our so-called bargain dinner was a rip-off, did anyone win?

It's really quite simple. If you don't think that you have anything to gain by having a decent RW offering, one that actually represents the majority of the offerings of your restaurant, then please don't participate. Because to do otherwise makes the customer feel gypped, and probably will hurt you in the long run as word gets around. And believe me, word gets around. There is nothing people in DC like more than to gab about restaurants online.

So where do I go?

I would like to single out Ten Penh as the one place that has always had a stand-up restaurant week. It's a relatively expensive restaurant that always offers basically their whole menu (maybe excepting the lobster) during RW.

I am sure there are others. Unfortunately, I haven't been lucky enough to have gone to one of those during RW in the last couple years. Sad statement, that. The bottom line is, choose your eateries carefully. Many places have their RW menus online. Don't patronize places that don't get it.

Wanted: Greener Eating Options in Columbia Heights

That's right, I am making a call for the first truly green restaurant to come to Columbia Heights and satisfy the needs of all the crunchy crusaders.

We need a Soylent Green Shack.

In an era where conservation is crucial, what could be more green than Soylent Green?

Solent Green looks green, sounds green, and is made entirely out of people. That's right - it's 100% recycled. Nothing goes to waste, and no additional natural resources were expended in its creation.

I googled "Soylent Green Shack" and there were zero hits. None. I just wanted to make sure that when its time comes, google will verify that you heard it here first.

Trademark pending.

Stange and Wonderful Things

A collection of completely unrelated things.

On one of our routine trips to DCUSA recently, I saw this pasted to a light pole near 14th and Park. Holy dog boy, batman!! What the devil is it?




Then this morning at the office, on my way back from an urgent snack stop, I saw, perhaps, the cutest thing I have ever seen:



I found myself with a bunch of apples a couple weeks ago that turned out to be kind of mealy. Since I can't stand wasting food, I ventured into previously uncharted cooking territory. I made an apple pie. I happened to have a pie crust in the freezer from some thanksgiving or Christmas dinner past... and it was delicious.

So this past weekend, I decided to take it up a notch and combine the delciousness of apple pie with the greasy goodness of deep-frying. Apples, sugar, and biscuit dough, as it turns out, are ridiculously good.

PETA: Hoax, or You Can't Make This Stuff Up?

I am really not obsessed with PETA, athough I have mocked them here or on facebook many times in the past. It's just that they're so darn craaaaazy, those PETA people. The reason for my post today is to pose a very important question, and try to answer it through the preponderance of evidence.

PETA: Bullshit or Not?

There are an ever-increasing number of clues that PETA is, in fact, an elaborate hoax perpetrated by some very clever pranksters. Over the years, PETA has become near and dear to tofu-toasters everywhere, and indeed, they have become very comfortable with their acceptance as a quasi-legitimate operation. But the jokesters are getting cocky, going a little too far, as we will demonstrate through an analysis of some of PETA's recent actions. Today, I will set out to prove that PETA is, in fact, one of the biggest public hoaxes ever perpetrated on American society.

All Lives Are Equal

This June, PETA took a stand against the swatting of flies, arguing in favor of "compassion for all animals, even the most curious, smallest, and least sympathetic ones." Or, the most pestilential. I blogged about this, and wondered publically about their position regarding life forms such as the H1N1 virus or chalmydia. I have not heard back on that one.

Chickens Have Feelings Too

Next, PETA announces plans for the Chicken Empathy Museum. The goal would be to help everyone understand the truth about chickens. Not that they are delicious when spiced and deep-fried, but that

"Chickens are sensitive, smart animals who have feelings just as we do"

I sincerely apologize if, with this mocking of the plans for the Chicken Empathy Museum, I have hurt the feelings of any particularly sensitive chickens. But the kicker is that they would also serve

"delicious faux-chicken drumsticks and chickenless pot pie."

Now that strikes me as pretty odd. So, PETA is operating on the assumption that chickens are as sensitive as human beings, and the entire purpose of this museum is to promote empathy towards chickens.

Let me ask you, PETA. How do you think someone of Native American descent, or, indeed, any sane person, would feel about the National Museum of the American Indian offering delicious treats that looked like the skinned, severed heads of American Indians?

Yeah, not so much. Clearly, PETA is starting to show their hand.

PETA's CEO, hard at work.

Peta-philes? Oh no. You really didn't.

Finally, it has come to my attention that PETA decided it would be a funny idea to name their blog The PETA Files.

This time, they didn't just tip their hand. They threw it down on the table, and it's full of jokers. Unless they have literally gone so far off the deep end that they think empathy towards chickens takes a front seat to emapthy towards victims of child abuse, this is the clincher: PETA's a joke. And I don't mean the kind of joke that we all always thought they were, I mean a REAL joke, and they got us GOOD.

Go I gotta hand it to you PETA. You put one over on all of us. And I, for one, can't wait to see what the punch line is when the curtain drops!

Strange Things Are Afoot

I am aware that I've become a infrequent blogger as of late. This is not for lack of things to blog about. Quite the contrary, I've had so much going on that I'm just too busy to be bothered to share it with all you cretins. Okay, that's not exactly true. It's more like, I could tell you what I've been doing, but then I'd have to kill you. But here are a few little pearls of wisdom that I took away from the weekend's events.


1. Always carry point and shoot camera. While trudging arount Petworth at 2:30 AM or so on Friday night, between random party on 7th street and the Red Derby to meet my friend and bring her there, couldn't help but notice the massive fire which was devastating a bodega at the corner of Rock Creek Church and Warder Street. Sadly, it seems it was a total loss. I did get the cell phone picture here which should give you a sense of the scale. This must have happened very quickly because when I walked by around 2:00 AM the first time, there was nothing going on.

2. Close Your Eyes Before Eating Bangers and Mash. Went to Commonwealth, the newest addition to Columbia Heights' ever-growing restaurant scene on Sunday with my friend K. I had been craving the sausage & spud, and she ordered some chips. The sausage looked, remarkably, like a dog poo. I was advised (later in the day) by my British friend A. that this is traditional. Perhaps it was the several glasses of wine we'd had by the time I ordered the food, but it was futile to try to stop laughing hysterically when it was placed in front of me. I couldn't find a good picture online, so just trust me. Anyway, it was good, if a bit overpriced at $15 for a, er, snassage on a little pile of mashed potatoes. I like the picnic tables on the patio. But I'd go broke if I tried to eat here very often. The beer prices seemed reasonable, though. We'll see how this place fits in to the Columbia Heights dining lexicon in time.

3. We shall never speak of Saturday again. But the trespasses of that day shall not soon be forgotten. That is all.

Carry on, then.

E-colicious

This has been a big week for signs of the apocalypse. The shocking photograph which I am about to show you is the fourth post just this week that I have tagged as such. And there were a couple last week.

Well, today is Friday the 13th. So I supposed it's only natural that there should be a runoff of unholy events leading up to this pinnacle of evilness. But I digress.

What you are about to see is an undercooked hamburger that I purchased at McDonalds in Silver Spring, Maryland, for lunch yesterday. Before proceeding, I would like to respond in advance to the obvious criticisms that will be leveed against me.

1. Yes, I have read Fast Food Nation, and I don't care, McDonald's makes kick-ass fries.

2. No, I do not eat fast food every day or even that often. Unless you count bar food. But every once in a blue moon (or a Thursday the 12th), usually involving stomach-clenching starvation as a result of running for an hour on a really hot morning before work, I get that McDonald's craving, of the sort that you get several hours into a long car trip. It is hard to fight it once the grip takes hold.

3. Yes, this is a "Big 'n Tasty." I really don't have much excuse for that, I just felt like I needed a tomato to mitigate the otherwise total earthtoned greasiness of every other McDonald's sandwich. As it turned out, I got more red than I bargained for.

So here we are. And I warn you, this image may not be suitable for vegetarians or even fast-food lovers. This photograph has not been doctored in any way.




You can clearly see that the burger is not just pink in the middle (and even that would be shocking at a fast-food joint) but almost completely raw.

I realize most sane people would have tossed this thing in the trash and immediately induced vomiting. But the tentacle-like hold of McDonald's was stronger than I was. I took the pattie out and nuked it into brownness, and then ate the whole thing. There were several thoughts going through my mind, in this order:

1) This could be just the ticket to a big-corporation lawsuit that I've been waiting for. Early retirment, here I come. I considered eating it as-is.

2) McDonald's has fallen from grace. They used to be the pinnacle of fast-food consistency. We expect this sort of thing from Jack In The Box, even Wendy's. But not McDonald's.

3) Do I have any antibiotics left from when I stepped on a nail?

Well, nearly 24 hours later, I didn't get sick. I guess I'm going to have to keep the day job. But hopefully, McDonald's will still send me a large payoff to take this post down.

Sorry, We're Closed

In recent years Washington DC has become a far more cosmopolitan place to live than it was in the early 90's when I first moved here. I feel like it's become a true walking city (at least, if you don't mind sweating bullets in the summertime). Whereas in those days, the only real entertainment and dining destinations were Dupont Circle, Adams Morgan, and Georgetown, the whole city has become connected. U Street, Logan Circle, Chinatown, "old" Downtown (e.g. K street), Metro Center, all have thriving restaurant and night lives. And the corridors between them, as well as the outskirts, have begun to sprout nighttime businesses as well, like 14th Street south of U street, not to mention my local favorite Red Rocks on 11th and Park and Red Derby at 14th and Quincy.

This has all been all great for those of us who enjoy good food and night life. It's also great for the neighborhoods. Gentrification issues notwithstanding, the changes have resulted in large stretches of the city becoming walkable which in years past would have been devoid of businesses. This has made them more appealing as places to live and safer places to walk. I've walked from L'enfant Plaza to my home in Columbia Heights. I frequently walk to U Street, Dupont Circle, Adams Morgan, all within a mile or so of my home.

But this is not the point of my post. Last night, I was meeting a friend around U street for a drink. I was hungry and wanted to have a bite to eat. Our initial choice was Vinoteca, which is supposed to have good happy hour specials. Closed. So we went next door to Solly's. They were open, but their kitchen is closed on Mondays. Foiled again.

I then suggested The Saloon across the street, a cozy place I'd only been once before. I didn't eat that time but thought their menu looked like it was pretty good bar fare, so wanted to try it. Closed. We finally ended up at Ulah Bistro, which actually was open and serving food. Good wings there, by the way.

I realize that Mondays are the traditional day for restuarants to be closed. But in a thriving community like U Street, and in the summertime when it's light out until 9 and people love to get out of their little shoebox apartments and relax in an air conditioned bar or restaurant - or even sit outside if it's not intolerable - this tradition seems a little dated. DC has just about become a real city in the sense that many communities are becoming truly walkable and you can find about anything you need on foot.

I've never liked this Monday tradition, personally. In fact it's one of my favorite nights to eat out. Who wants to cook for themselves on the first day back at the grind after a weekend? The popular restaurants in town seem to be having no trouble getting people in their doors any night of the week, based on my anecdotal observations as a frequent diner, so I would think there's money to be made -- especially in summertime. So what is it? Maybe they can't get the help, maybe the owner just has to be there every day and needs a night off, or maybe I'm just wrong about how many people really want to eat out on a Monday.

Ulah seemed to be doing a decent business last night around 7 PM when I was in there; the bar was more than half full and most of the tables were occupied on the first floor. Maybe that's because they're the only place serving food in a two block radius.

"Spring," Home Improvement and Tomatoes

There is one good thing to be said about this "Spring" we are having. I use quotation marks in only the most necessary way since "Spring" usually implies warm days, the smell of fresh flowers, and neighbors on their front porches. I don't know what the weather is like in northern Ireland right now, but I expect it is much the same. The normal high for May 20 is 77 degrees, and the normal low 57. We're looking at about 10 degrees below that today. Global warming, why do you taunt me so!!

So back to that one good thing. While it's been bad for running, when the weather blows, there's not much temptation to get out of the house. This means I may actually start to make some headway on my nearly endless list of home improvement projects. On the short list for the next week are a lot of projects that in and of themselves aren't urgent, but will make my life a lot easier as I move forward.

These projects are mostly organizational and storage related. My house, unfortunately, has been blessed with three closets, one of which is a tiny hallway closet. That's right - one of my three bedrooms doesn't even have a closet. So storage space is at a premium. Luckily, I have an attic of sorts, which is useful for storage, as well as a full basement, which is useful for storing tools and stuff that hasn't yet made it to the attic. Right now, though, I'm making horrible use of my space, and the basement is almost impassable, which makes major home improvement projects challenging since I can't find any tools and even if I could find them, I usually destroy something or hurt myself in the process.

So, over the next week I've got the following:

• Put in an attic ladder to improve access to my crawl space (currently, accessible only through a little hole in the top of one of my two closets). Acquired at Home Depot yesterday.
  
• Tear down remaining useless partition walls in the basement.
  
• Move workbench along north wall of the basement, near the back basement entrance, which will make working with long lumber a lot easier (since it can then stick out the back door). And free up the existing space for a future pool table.
  
• Move anything deserving of long term storage to the attic.
  
• Organize mountains of tools and miscellaneous junk. My basement in many ways resembles a typical Home Depot aisle. I probably have more stuff than they do, but I can't find anything.
  

With any luck, all that will be accomplished by the weekend. (Yes, optimistic, but the weather is crappy). Then, on Saturday, I've got help coming to replace the windows in my kitchen, which can't be done alone. Once that's done I can actually move forward with the rest of the finish work in there, most of which is drywall, tiling, painting, and so on. And I may actually be able to close the renovation book on the very first room in my house a year after I moved in. Hey, I'm not in a hurry... and it IS the kitchen...

Well, time to go to work. But what about the tomatoes, you ask? Believe it or not, the timeline for my attic storage ladder was driven somewhat by tomatoes. I bought a bunch of heirloom tomato seedlings when I went to Gettysburg a week ago to pick up one of the final rounds of my posessions still stored there. I had planned to just pot them in my backyard, but as it turns out, I have almost complete tree cover. No sunlight, no juicy delicious tomatoes. Pretty remarkable given that it's about 75 feet deep. So, by far the next best place to grow them is on my roof. But it's way too much of a pain in the neck to get up there right now with the closet access.

So, this attic ladder should make access easy enough that I can actually go up there every day to water them. I'm even thinking of putting in some permanent plumbing up to the roof for this purpose. I've already got the walls open behind the bathroom so that would really be a pretty minor chore.

My goal for the end of the summer: kitchen complete, basement clean & housing a pool table, and dozens upon dozens of tomatoes to be eaten, gifted or turned into sauce.

Get your ass to the looking glass

All right, I am still not entirely sold on the name change, but I had a chance to sample the new menu for the first time last night. It features a selection of real entrees, dishes that are not just glorified bar offerings, in addition to some conventional pub fare. My choice was the barbecue baby back ribs, and they were delicious.

The meat fell off the bone just as it should and the seasoning was tasty and a little spicy. They were dry-rubbed and served with barbecue sauce on top. I could have used a little bit more sauce, but that's a minor complaint. But the real winner was the collard greens that accompanied it - they were outstanding, tasting of brown sugar and maybe a little mustard. The sweetness was just enough to counter the vegetable's natural bitterness but not overwhelming. My other side was fries, which were fine.

Unfortunately I spent a little bit too much time at LGL last night and my memory of the rest of the menu died with my 4th beer, but I do remember there being a lot of other choices which were interesting. If my first sample was any indication, the new fare should be an excellent addition to the neighborhood bar and restaurant food offerings. I'm looking forward to working through the menu in weeks to come.

Oh - and have no fear, the garlic fries are still on the menu.

It's All About Pizza

The DC blog roll is on a love fest with DC's recently elevated brick-oven pizza scene. I feel a personal connection to two of the most prominent members of this community, Comet Ping Pong and RedRocks Firebrick Pizzeria. I lived steps away from Comet the day it opened its doors, and the timing of my move to Columbia Heights also happened to coincide with the opening of Red Rocks. So I have the dubious honor of being one of the first (if not the first) regular at both of these joints, and at the same time watching their offerings evolve as the restaurants hit their respective strides.

City paper blog adds its two cents today, following up their odd piece in last week's city paper about RedRock's chef that isn't really a review so much as a window on the politics of the DC brick oven pizza "scene."

DCist reports on Jamie R. Liu and Don Rockwell's head-to-head comparison of Comet, RedRocks, 2 Amys, and Bebo Trattoria (a suspect addition since it's in Virginia). Comet #1, RedRocks #2.. take that, 2 amy's babyland!!

Many other local blogs and forums are rife with discussion about these joints, this is just the tip of the iceberg. But in the end, all that matters is that life has never been better for pizza-lovers in DC. A few years ago, DC was a pizza wasteland, arguably the worst pizza city in the country. How things change.

And to the New Yorkers who will never eat a slice that didn't come from under a heat lamp at 3 AM on Amsterdam Avenue, to hell with ya. I'd kill for New York pizza here too, but this isn't the same thing. It's almost apples and oranges. And besides, I bet that a New York style pizza made here in exactly the same way would somehow end up tasting like Manny and Olga's. It's the water...