Thursday, September 24, 2009

PETA: Hoax, or You Can't Make This Stuff Up?

I am really not obsessed with PETA, athough I have mocked them here or on facebook many times in the past. It's just that they're so darn craaaaazy, those PETA people. The reason for my post today is to pose a very important question, and try to answer it through the preponderance of evidence.

PETA: Bullshit or Not?

There are an ever-increasing number of clues that PETA is, in fact, an elaborate hoax perpetrated by some very clever pranksters. Over the years, PETA has become near and dear to tofu-toasters everywhere, and indeed, they have become very comfortable with their acceptance as a quasi-legitimate operation. But the jokesters are getting cocky, going a little too far, as we will demonstrate through an analysis of some of PETA's recent actions. Today, I will set out to prove that PETA is, in fact, one of the biggest public hoaxes ever perpetrated on American society.

All Lives Are Equal

This June, PETA took a stand against the swatting of flies, arguing in favor of "compassion for all animals, even the most curious, smallest, and least sympathetic ones." Or, the most pestilential. I blogged about this, and wondered publically about their position regarding life forms such as the H1N1 virus or chalmydia. I have not heard back on that one.

Chickens Have Feelings Too

Next, PETA announces plans for the Chicken Empathy Museum. The goal would be to help everyone understand the truth about chickens. Not that they are delicious when spiced and deep-fried, but that

"Chickens are sensitive, smart animals who have feelings just as we do"

I sincerely apologize if, with this mocking of the plans for the Chicken Empathy Museum, I have hurt the feelings of any particularly sensitive chickens. But the kicker is that they would also serve
"delicious faux-chicken drumsticks and chickenless pot pie."

Now that strikes me as pretty odd. So, PETA is operating on the assumption that chickens are as sensitive as human beings, and the entire purpose of this museum is to promote empathy towards chickens.

Let me ask you, PETA. How do you think someone of Native American descent, or, indeed, any sane person, would feel about the National Museum of the American Indian offering delicious treats that looked like the skinned, severed heads of American Indians?

Yeah, not so much. Clearly, PETA is starting to show their hand.

PETA's CEO, hard at work.

Peta-philes? Oh no. You really didn't.

Finally, it has come to my attention that PETA decided it would be a funny idea to name their blog The PETA Files.

This time, they didn't just tip their hand. They threw it down on the table, and it's full of jokers. Unless they have literally gone so far off the deep end that they think empathy towards chickens takes a front seat to emapthy towards victims of child abuse, this is the clincher: PETA's a joke. And I don't mean the kind of joke that we all always thought they were, I mean a REAL joke, and they got us GOOD.

Go I gotta hand it to you PETA. You put one over on all of us. And I, for one, can't wait to see what the punch line is when the curtain drops!


Eric G said...

um... not that i disagree with your overall point, but when it comes to flu viruses & bacterial STDs, i think you're asking them to defend a "life form" they aren't intending to defend in the first place. they're all about animals, not fruits, vegetables, viruses, bacteria, etc.

Jamie said...

I don't think it's especially relevant what the technical definition of "animal" is. If it my argument needs to be bulletproof, then Protozoans such as Giardia are definitely defined as animals. I'm pretty sure any PETA fool would be willing to kill any giardia that had taken up residence in their stomach despite it being an animal.

The point is it's just absurd to argue that we should have just as much compassion towards flies, or any creature with a lifespan of 3 days that sucks our blood and spreads disease, as we do for every other creature.

Eve Russell said...

I would LOVE to discuss PETA & animal politics with you some time; This is my very favorite subject in the world.
Fuel to fire: I agree with most anti-PETA sentiment, but I also donate money to PETA.
They're vital to animal safety in their own, obnoxious, elitist, fucked up way.

Jamie said...

I know how you feel about PETA Eve, it's one of the reasons I make fun of them so much!!

I would be interested to hear your take sometime. But I'm skeptical that I'll end up agreeing that their polarizing approach to the problem is a good one as far as the goal of animal safety is concerned...

Besides which I don't believe they are real anymore :)

Bird of Paradise said...

PETA idiots still acting like such idiots running around acting like their losing their minds well SURPRISE THEY HAVE NO MINDS