Monday, February 1, 2010

iPad Saves World, But What's Next?

Last week heralded the unveiling of Apple's latest wonder-child, the iPad. As everyone with access to the Internet, a newspaper, or pictures of The Rosetta Stone knows, the iPad will revolutionize the world in much the same way the automobile, antibiotics, and the vacuum bottle have.

Since everyone has drunk the Apple cool aid, there is no question that any new product released by the company will be met the sort of rejoicing and world peace that can only be compared to the second coming of Christ. This is despite such obvious attempts at money-grubbing which include batteries that can't be replaced, and the inability to sell any software for one of their products without giving Apple a substantial cut. But making Steve Jobs rich is a small price for world peace, isn't it?

But never mind all that. This post is not about cool-aid, or even the glorious future that awaits us in a new world, filled with throngs of happy hipsters who have been led down the path of righteousness, converting all unbelievers with the touch of their touch-screen. That world will obviously be free of hunger, disease, poverty, and even hiccups. Especially hiccups. Instead, this post is about what's in the "Apple Core," that primordeal soup where future unstoppable products are conceived and gestated. Even though starting next week, the iPad will solve global warming at the same time as providing for all the world's energy needs, there will still be many opportunities for future miracles from the Apple Computer corporation.

So what's in the pipeline? Take a gander at these:

iQ: The world's "smart cue," it will change your drunken 2-hour 8-ball game into something Minnesota Fats would envy. With a precise GPS satellite uplink, it will automatically analyze your shot and tell you when you're perfectly positioned. It will even let you know when you're being hustled by accessing a datatabase of known bar scammers. You will only be charged for shots you make.

iRan: A device so small it can be hidden, er, anywhere on your body, this gadget is designed specifically to assist Middle Eastern political dissidents in escaping from dictatorial regimes. Essentially a tiny GPS receiver that comes with a a pair of running shoes, it was test marketed in the U.S. as the "Nike + iPod Sport Kit."

iCaramba: iPad rebranding for the Latino market.

iSore: A new product that will revolutionize, nay, eliminate the plastic surgery industry, the initial iSore is anticipated to be released in January 2011 for $999. This amazing device will project a holographic image of it's owner, making them appear to look like Jessica Simpson or Hugh Jackman. The iSore 2.0, which will be released three months later for $499, will expand its audience to the trashy market and include Khloe Kardashian and "The Situation" as options, among others. Initial iSore purchasers can upgrade to the iSore 2.0 for $199.

iDeal: Will revolutionize casino gambling by replacing table dealers with a machine that never misdeals and automatically shuffles whenever card-counting is detected. The perfect dealer, it will even make casual banter and tell players how disappointed it is when they lose.

iCon: Apple made "icon" a household word in 1984 when the immensely popular Macintosh changed computers from an intimidating machine with a screen full of baffling information, into something where you point at things and clicked them. Much like how a toddler interacts with you by pointing at your dinner, while he dumps his mac 'n cheese on the floor. This new product once again owns the word "icon" by offering an all-in-one espionage tool to would-be spies and con-artists. By enabling you to read your victim's minds, the unkowns are effectively eliminated from any scam.

iLand: Tsunami sunk your ship? Lost at sea? No longer a problem. The sunburned ragamuffin clinging to broken boards, dying of thirst, will be a thing of the past, as the new all-weather iLand will automatically direct you to the nearest dry land. Once stuck on your desert island, the iLand will let you download music and video via satellite connection at the castaway discount price of $0.69 per song or $1.49 per video. Internet connectivity is limited to the Apple Store. In adhering to Apple's "captive audience" market strategy, no outgoing email is permitted.

iDo: Apple will change the way the world thinks about nuptials by inventing the "Wedding 2.0" courtesy of the iDo. This amazing gadget will guide couples through every step of the process from planning with the iKnow add-on, to the wedding day itself with the add-on iVow Writer and the iRing, availabile in iRing "Tones" of gold, white gold and platinum. Many other add-ons are available. The base iDo application includes one free iPreNup download, as well as a 30-day trial of their marriage counseling app, dubbed "imSorry," and as well as "iSplit," the separation and divorce app.


Unknown said...

I am happy to see that some people in DC haven't drank the Apple cool-aid. When I moved to this city, to do grad school, ThinkPad in hand, I felt like the only one.

Alex said...

Stop whining! just kidding... It appears that your iBall prediction has come true -- this is on CNN's website today:

lacochran said...

Can we get a Bart Simpson tie-in on the i-Caramba?

Jamie said...

Re: iBall article...

"There's a tremendous need for this kind of product," said Hines, a computer scientist and former Bell Labs engineer..


Figures it was invented by a computer geek. Poor guy probably can't even get a date in Worlds of Warcraft. In the picture he bears a startling resemblance to an even nerdier version of George Costanza.

Unknown said...

well the article said that he was happily married. The wife probably is seeing dollar signs, or she's kinky, but shy.

Jamie said...

I bet he married the prototype Roxxy when he was in Las Vegas. You can do that stuff there.

Unknown said...

I really cannot believe somebody would spend $7000 on a robot for sex. I mean really.

Alex said...

this blog has a youtube video of a "test drive' featuring her voice... seriously creepy... and yes the creator does look like George!

Jamie said...

That video is really... odd. And, dare I say, disappointing.

The speech synthesis reminds me very much of a Commodore 64 from 20 years ago. I mean, come on. The GPS on my cell phone is a lot sexier than that.

So basically it's an inanimate rubber sex toy with a pull string?