Thursday, February 5, 2009

No One Has A Job Anymore, Creating Numerous Job Opportunities

As our economy and entire way of life hurtles towards oblivion, and most Americans sit home, biting their fingernails, wondering at what moment the electricity will be cut off, a silver lining is emerging.

I happened across this unfortunate, yet oddly humorous web site called The Layoff Daily. Generally the news of hundreds of thousands of jobs evaporating before our very eyes should not be chuckle-inducing. Quite the opposite, it should inspire fear and dread, and should cause most people to begin learning Mandarin so they can avoid accidentally insulting our impending Chinese Destiny Overlords, an act which would result in death by a thousand cuts.

But for now, or at least until I too am laid off with the rest of America, it's kinda funny. Because it doesn't just show you who's getting rid of people, it shows you who's hiring. Here are a few entries from (the much shorter) Column B that made me laugh in an awkard, painful way.

California Highway Patrol - Apparently, CHP needs people to replace Ponch & John. Since nobody in California is employed any more, obviously, crime will increase proportionate to the number of idle people. Since idle hands do the devil's work, you know.

Of course, California is completely broke and can't even pay people their tax refunds from 2008. But, being able to carry guns around, drive through red lights, and generally do whatever the hell you want is probably not such a bad thing right about now. Definitely a winner, even though you won't get paid.

Our Recommendation: Move to California; stop paying taxes immediately; quit snorting blow long enough to pass the drug test.

Rhode Island Unemployment Call Center - They're looking for 40 people to fill out their ranks, for obvious reasons. Preference given to applicants with incomprehensible foreign accents, which is a strong indicator of extensive call-center experience.

Sands Casino, Bethlehem, PA - These guys are hiring a whopping 1,000 people to staff their new bastion of evil. What's the first thing you do when your job goes south? Head to the casino with your worthless house title and see if you can find a sucker who'll let you bet with it.

The Federal Government - Well duh, since we just elected a communist muslim african muggleblood terrorist as president, he needs to fill the ranks with his evil henchmen.

GEICO -- The insurance giant is hiring 870 people!!! If you happen to have a kitschy cockney accent and are 6 inches tall and green, you are guaranteed job security for life. Obviously, this is a result of having to deal with the investigation of record numbers of "accidents" as people burn down their unsellable houses and failing businesses.

FBI -- Hiring 2,950 people?!! Well, probably a good idea, but it would have been nice if you'd decided to bring in someone who spoke Arabic about 10 years ago, instead of trying to kill everyone in the world who speaks Arabic. But better late than never.

Border Patrol -- hiring an unbelievable 11,000 people!! Well, if they just offer a job to everyone trying to illegally enter this country, you could probably kill two birds with one stone.

On the other hand, since former investment bankers are now fighting each other for a job as a short-order chef at Denny's, there probably won't be a lot of reason for Mexicans to be heading our way anymore.

No, the reason for this is almost certainly for exactly the opposite reason: to try to prevent the entire population of America from fleeing to Canada. Where there are also no jobs but at least you can smoke weed.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Back in the days of the internet bubble, I derived great enjoyment from reading F**