Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Forest Hills Frank: Buzzkill, AND Hypocrite

Startling developments today in the Frank Winstead saga. City Paper reporter Jason Cherkis, in his tireless efforts to create entertainment by getting a statement from Frank, has obtained exclusive video footage of Frank at his apartment, refusing to comment.

But the CP expose has overlooked the real story here. CP's shocking video reveals that Frank is harboring an exotic bird in his apartment. Frank lives at "The Brandywine," an apartment building on Connecticut Avenue. A bit of web sleuthing reveals that The Brandywine does not allow pets!

This profile of The Brandywine clearly indicates that Frank is harboring an avian creature in violation of the terms of his lease. Frank, the man who calls out Mary Cheh for failing to turn her wheels to the curb in violation of an obscure DC regulation, is living a lie! The ANC commissioner apparently thinks that rules are meant to be followed only by other people, while he can endanger the health and well being of his fellow residents without consequence. Truly, this man is a monster.

In order to find out who this monster really is, we put our crack team of digital forensic reconstructionists on the job. We have come away with damning revelations about Forest Hills Frank's true identity. Below, we see a capture of the only known image of Frank Winstead to exist on the Internet, from CP's video. It had been theorized that he was, in fact, a bloodsucking vampire, and hence photography would be impossible. But CP has debunked that myth, since we can clearly see Frankie peeking out of his apartment in this still. On the right is Frank's face blown up and enhanced.

Here at Farm Fresh Meat, we employ only the latest and most advanced digital enhancement software available today via The Pirate Bay. After hours of digital processing, the truth began to appear. When the process finally completed, the startling image below was revealed:


I strongly urge anyone residing at The Brandywine to vacate immediately, or risk Asian Bird Flu and possible dismemberment. Get out while you still can!! Mr. Cherkis is lucky to have survived this encounter.

Ping Pong is no longer the greatest threat to Connecticut Avenue.


Anonymous said...

Absolutely great post! I have linked to this at The DC Feed.

Shannon said...

Dude, that bird photo is creepy!

At least the City Paper succeeds in amusing itself...