DC Clarifies Bag Tax, Saves Planet

In response to confusion about the bag tax, DC has posted this "notice of proposed rulemaking."

It is 9 pages of single-spaced type which supposedly clarifies exactly who is subject to the bag tax. I couldn't make head or tails of it. And beyond that, I am completely unclear on what this thing even is. Didn't we already pass a law?

Yes, we did. Apparently, though, nobody could understand it, so we need to pass another law to clarify the orignal law. This "notice of proposed rulemaking" is open for comments until March 5, 2010. Comments can be emailed to Marylynn Wilhere. I plan to do so, if I can figure out what exactly is being proposed.

So now that we have the bag tax, has the apocalypse come?

Where the hell have you been? Yes, it has! Obviously the bag tax is responsible for the two weeks of hell we've endured under the yoke of endless snow. The nation's first plastic bag tax just happens to coincide with the worst snowstorm in DC history. Coincidence? I think not.

Okay, well, maybe it is just a coincidence. But the bag tax has certainly generated a lot of attention. Not just in DC, but from outside. Attention from other cities who are wondering if this is an easy, politically correct way for them to make some cash. Attention from economists who are marveling at the social experiment that this tax represents. In many ways, even though I oppose the tax, I think I've actually been enjoying it from this perspective. How will the reality of its effects match my predictions? How much will people cut of their own noses to spite their face over this tax?

The Post did an online poll last month asking people how they felt about the tax. There were three choices: strongly oppose, strongly favor, or mostly indifferent. Only one percent of the 2,200 respondents chose the "indifferent" option. And everyone else was pretty much evenly split among loving and hating it.

This is really remarkable. I can think of very few social issues which generate such strong opinions. I mean, this is like abortion or gay rights as far as the conviction with which people choose a side. And over a freakin' 5 cent tax on plastic bags! How could this possibly inspire people to drive miles out of their way to avoid it? This interesting article discusses some of these quite unexpected effects and describes the tax as a "behavioral economist's dream."

The other thing that I think is worth noting about the very unscientific Washington Post poll is that it more or less proves that the tax is unpopular. That is - even though the poll respondents were evenly split, the demographics of someone who reads the Post online and responds to a poll like this is very different than the demographics of DC overall. The average online WaPo reader is almost certainly more tech-savvy and "green" than the average DC resident overall. Poorer people are much less likely to have internet access or to participate in this sort of online community. I think it's safe to say that the strongest support for this tax is among young, progressive, people -- a demographic that is almost certainly overrerpresented by an online poll.

With Every Challenge Comes An Opportunity

As soon as my foot is better, I plan to take advantage of the obvious loophole afforded by this law. While it prevents stores from giving away bags at checkout, obviously, you can't make it illegal to sell bags. You will see me, or one of my army of minions, selling "go-packs" of 10 plastic bags outside Giant for 25 cents.

I'm only half kidding. I'm kind of surprised that the supermarket chains don't just give DC the finger by offering for sale 10 or 20 packs of bags at the checkout. It would be perfectly legal, and any effort to prevent such sales would be pretty tough to legislate, unless you were planning to ban plastic bags from being sold, period. Good luck with that.

But what's interesting is that, actually, five cents for a plastic bag is not a terrible deal. In quantities of 1,000, these bags are around 3.5 cents each. Biodegradable plastic bags are 7 cents each! While I am sure someone like Giant who buys millions of these things is getting a better deal, at the end of the day, 5 cents is actually a pretty reasonable retail price for a supermarket bag. In order to have any kind of decent profit margin selling these things on the street to undercut the tax, you'd have to buy them in vast quantities. I must admit that I assumed they would be a lot less expensive, like on the order of a penny each.

Okay, so maybe I'm not quite ready to put the folding table up and fight for space with the shady guys selling incense and handheld-video copies of "Avatar 3D." But I really, honestly do use these bags all the time for picking up trash. The tax has already created a serious dearth of these things in my household.

But luckily, I have someone looking out for me. Someone who the architects of the law will despise, because barely six weeks into the law, she has reacted to it in the most obivous, yet despicable way.

For Valentine's Day, N. gave me a 1,000 pack of disposable supermarket bags.

Obligatory Self Pity Post

In a stunningly badly timed turn of events, just as it was becoming possible to leave one's house again as the snow has slowly melted, I broke my foot.

Even worse, it had nothing to do with the snow and ice, so I can't sue anyone.

I'm just kidding. I'm really not the litigous type.

But the end result is the same: I am stuck on my couch, AGAIN. As if I already wasn't developing bedsores from being trapped in my house for an eternity due to the apocalyptic weather conditions.

Ca n'est pas un pied.

The long and short of it is, I broke a heel spur. Actually, that is the short of it. Here is the long. A heel spur is something that you ideally don't have at all. It is little bit of junk that grows off the inside of your heel as a result of your plantar fascia being messed up, also known as plantar fasciitis (PF). It's a fairly common yet confounding foot condition that can affects anyone, though more commonly atheletes.

As I am a rugged marathon runner, who has trained in sweltering heat and sub-zero arctic-like temperatures, at high altitude and in extreme terrain conditions, I have put my feet through hell over the years. I've had PF a few times, most recently for about the last four or five months. While it is not usually debilitating, it's annoying as hell. It typically manifests itself with your foot hurting like a byatch under the arch near the heel when you first get out of bed in the morning, but then generally feels better pretty quickly as it stretches out. It is treated through a variety of exercises and other techniques, but suffice it to say, I have not been very good about that this time around, and so it hasn't really gone away.

Apparently one of the consequences of not dealing with PF is getting heel spurs. One of the ways your foot tries to fix itself when it has PF is to build these little things so that the tendon has more to grab on to as it tries to repair itself. The spurs usually don't cause problems, except, of course, when you break them.

A couple days ago I missed a step going downstairs and landed hard on my heel. After that I could no longer so much as stand on my left foot without excruciating pain. That was my first clue that something had gone horribly wrong.

My usual response to injuries such as these is to drink a great deal of liquor and see if it's better in the morning. This strategy has generally proved quite effective, and I estimate I've avoided about 90% of the emergency room visits that most people would have made by using this technique. I still end up in the ER about once a year or so, so obviously I am fairly accident prone, but that's neither here nor there.

This time, unfortunately, I found it was actually worse the next day. I really couldn't walk at all. Through some miracle I was able to see a foot doctor the same day and so avoided a nine-hour sojourn at the emergency room. The doc at first thought I had just taken the first step (metaphorically) in converting chronic PF to acute PF. This means, no longer would it just be something that annoyed me every day. It would be something that screamed and thrashed at me, demanding I stop ignoring it. I would have to deal.

I get to wear one of these.
It looks like a ski boot, and costs about
five times as much. No, you cannot
play tennis while wearing it.

Well, it could be worse, I thought. (As it turns out, of course, it was.) The doctor ordered x-rays just to make sure I didn't break anything. (As it turns out, of course, I did). The pictures came back and he immediately saw the fracture that you don't see in the picture above, which is not my foot. That little heel spur that is circled is completely broken off in my picture. The doctor was actually quite surprised. Apparently, breaking a heel spur is very uncommon. While he sees hundreds and hundreds of PF cases every year, he might see a broken heel spur once or twice. So I'm a rare case, and that's always nice.

Anyway, I am disappointed, not just because I will LOSE MY F?!*ING MIND if I don't leave this house sometime soon, but because I was looking forward to continuing my Snowvelations series. But unfortunatley, since I've barely been outside since Tuesday, I have not seen firsthand what's going on in the world. N. tells me that my worst fears are coming true: mountains of uncollected trash are filling the streets, rats are growing large enough to challenge cats for the rule of the nighttime hours, and C.H.U.D. sightings are even reported. It was only a matter of time.

It's probably just as well that I'm stuck inside.

Snowvelations Part 1: Fenty vs. Barry

Typical side street in DC today. Hope you weren't planning on driving anywhere until May.

In the aftermath of pretty much the worst storm ever in DC, there is much to discuss. This week will inevitably be compared to the great blizzard of 1996, for which Marion Barry will be remembered always as the mayor who couldn't get the streets plowed. Of course, on the list of Barry's dubious distinctions, that one's relatively small potatoes.

But finally, 14 years later, Barry gets a chance at exoneration for his crimes against ground transportation. We got a hell of a mess of snow that in many ways mimics the situation we had last time: several storms back to back, each adding insult to injury as it crushes us again before we've even had a chance to dig out from the last one.

So how did we do this time?

The Good

Snow removal was not bad. At first. It seemed like everyone pretty much gave up on Tuesday, though, with the predictions for Wednesday's knockout punch becoming ever more dire. But the major roads mostly remained clear, even as side streets were often impassable.

And I saw little bobcats digging out side streets yesterday. Barry would have waited for spring.

The grocery stores stayed open and actually seemed to have food most of the time, long lines notwithstanding. And the citizens of DC were awesome. There are endless stories of people helping out neighbors with shoveling, clearing streets where the plows could not, and so on.

All in all, considering the severity of the storm, snow removal was about as good as could be reasonably expected for a city that doesn't deal with this but once every hundred years or so.

Point: Adrian Fenty.

The Bad

Adrian Fenty is a dick.

Let me count the ways.

1. Failure to close schools in a timely manner, even as every other regional school district did.
   
2. Failure to close the government on Monday, forcing employees to endure extremely hazardous travel conditions or potentially face reprisals for not showing up.
   
3. Failure to declare a state of emergency in DC. While Virginia, Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, and, really, just about everywhere else on the eastern seabord declared a state of emergency, Fenty did not. Despite pleas from the city council, and despite us being totally effed. This simply means that DC will not get money and resources to help us dig out. Is there some downside to "free money from the government" that I am missing?
   

Obviously, DC was at least as screwed as everywhere else, if not more. Yet instead of taking the responsbile step of closing non-essential operations, Fenty created stressful and unsafe situations for workers and schoolchildren, and refused to ask for much-needed help from the Federal Government. They're just across the street, you douche bag!

Why? Is this some kind of pride thing? I really don't get it. The only explanation that makes sense is what we really already knew: Fenty is a dick. He is completely out of touch with what life is really like for people who do not own multiple Ford Expeditions and blackberries.

Point: Marion Barry.

So right now it's tied at 1 all. But that's not all! We've only covered snow removal. Next time, my favorite subject: Trash.

Snoverwhelmed

Roving packs of dogs now rule Columbia Heights

Somehow, despite being trapped in my house for days, I have not found time to blog yet. Honestly, I'm not even sure what day it is most of the time. It's just another day. I no longer wonder whether the office will technically be open or not, since there is no way for me to get there until the metro runs above ground again.

This is actually an improvement.

A snowplow did come by this morning. The result was interesting. While 11th Street might technically be passable now, it is impossible to turn onto any side street, since they are all now walled off by snowbanks about 4 feet high.

Most people's cars are hermetically sealed in the wall of ice and snow. That has not stopped a handful or eternal optimists from digging out their cars every day, though so far I have not seen anyone sucessfully leave their parking spot in two days.

Where we are at this point is full-on cabin fever. If I watch another NCIS rerun I will kill myself. Or, more likely, N. will kill me. Walking the dogs must be accomplished in the slim sidewalk area where they can actually walk. And that's only going to get worse when people start throwing salt down, which hurts the dog's feet. Last week, we put ziploc bags on Sully's feet once to protect him from the salt. It was pretty hilarious actually.

Worst of all, I have not been to Home Depot in more than a week. They'll probably be out of business by the time I make it back there.

At the same time, business has obviously been good for the local watering holes. We've been to The Red Derby, er, more than I'd care to admit, mostly because it's about the only place we can get to. It has been packed every time.

So we perservere. This is officially more disastrous than the Great Marion Barry Disaster of 1996. That is, my office has been closed for more consecutive days than that event, which seems like a good yardstick. Luckily (yes, really) the Internet means that I've been able to work most of the time, unlike last time around, when everyone in the entire city was clearly bonkers after about five days of being cooped up. I am trying to remember what we did for a week with no internet.

I think we drank the whole time.

Getting Past "Snopacalypse"

Snopacalypse. Snomageddon. SnOMG. Can you think of anything that says "December 2009" more than those words? Next you'll be saying "groovy" and "far out." Seriously, it's time to retire those threadbare memes now.

In anticipation of the impending catastrophe that awaits us tomorrow, I would like to propose some fresh "snowmenclature" to get us through the weekend. Something fitting of February 2010. Something both modern yet retro, that we can all grab hold of. Here goes.

Manifesnow. A long blog post about snow, e.g. this.

Snolocaust. The only thing worse than a snomageddon.

Snobedient. The guy who shows up to work when the office is technically open, even though the the buses and metro aren't running and there's a foot of snow in the road. You will be subjected to the stories about his 2-hour dogsled commute for the next two months.

Snomad. Opposite of "snobedient," people who don't even open their front door until two days after the snow has stopped falling. Most of the time when your neighbor's steps aren't shoveled several days later, it's not because they are out of town. They are snomads.

Snormal. What a prediction of snow has become in DC.

Snofanity. What comes out of your mouth while you are digging your car out for the fourth time in a month.

A Snookie.

Snopponent. Target it a snowball fight.

Snowned. What you are when you get hit with a snowball.

Snobotomy. That feeling you get when your brain freezes from being outside too long.

Snowgasm. No explanation needed.

Snookie. An albino Wookie. Alternate definition: something that happens before a snowgasm.

Snocreate. Possible consequence of snookie without a snophylactic.

Innasnowpriate. What this list is becoming.

New Hobby: MPD Mailing List

I signed up for the 3D MPD mailing list yesterday. You may be asking yourself, "Self, really? He just signed up for it?"

Yes, it is shocking, that even after years of griping about DC government, MPD included, I have only now decided to read the daily arrests and so on. I just never really thought about it too much, since all the big stuff gets repeated in many other outlets, but this is pretty good reading. Besides, since one of my biggest pet peeves is lack of transparency in government, I feel obligated to read everything that we actually can see.

The downside, as I have discovered this morning, is that I get to see the startling number of arrests made each week in my neighborhood.

The upside is that some of these are awesome. I am not going to publish the names here - not because it's not public information, but just because I don't want this to be the only place that googling some thug's name will return.

Here are a few selections from yesterday's arrest roll call:

ARREST# : 031000666
DT-TM: 02-FEB-10 - 1625
LOCATION: 3200 BLK OF PINE ST NW - PSA: 302
SEX: M
OFFENSE: URINATING IN PUBLIC
TYPE: MISDEMEANOR
OFFICER: E ANZUETA

This actually makes me very happy. I didn't realize that with all the other crap going on around here that the police really dealt with nuisance crimes like this.

ARREST# : 031000656
DT-TM: 02-FEB-10 - 0108
LOCATION: 600 BLK OF S ST NW - PSA: 308
SEX: M
OFFENSE: UNLICENSED HACKER
TYPE: MISDEMEANOR
OFFICER: T SULLIVAN

"Unlicensed hacker?" First of all, I didn't realize we had a cyber-crime unit in DC. But beyond that, is there a process in which one can become licensed to be a hacker?

Okay, bad joke. But irresistible nonetheless.


The last one, however, is very disturbing. Very disturbing indeed.

ARREST# : 031000660
DT-TM: 02-FEB-10 - 0600
LOCATION: 1600 BLK OF V ST NW - PSA: 303
SEX: F
OFFENSE: JURY DUTY- FAILURE TO APPEAR
TYPE: MISDEMEANOR
OFFICER: J BRENNAN

I remember reading that, some time ago, they arrested a handful of people for skipping on juty duty. To make an example. In DC, since we have basically a 1-to-1 ratio of non-felons to felons, you get called for jury duty pretty much every two years on the dot. Apparently, a lot of people had gotten over it and the no-show rate was getting pretty high. Apart from it being illegal to do this, there was a juror shortage.

I skipped out on jury duty last time. I didn't do it on purpose. And I've showed up for every single one of the other 8 or 9 times I've been called since I've lived here. There was something complicated involving a move, mail being forwarded to the wrong place, and maybe a jade idol. Or was that a hangover? I don't remember the details. But I didn't realize I was supposed to be there until it was too late, so when I realized I'd skipped it, I just said "oh well."

Is officer J. Brennan going to show up at my door, haul my ass downtown, and throw me in the "jury duty evader" tank?

Is there a warrant out for my arrest? Should I present myself to the 3D substation and let the law have its way with me? Will this prevent me from ever voting again, receiving a security clearance, or getting a $200 economic stimulus check from a future Republican president?

When finally I saw the then-overdue jury duty notice, I figured they would send another one with a new date. Call me again. Like everything else that you get from the government and accidentally ignore, such as a parking ticket, notice of tax audit, or focus group invitation. But no. I never heard from them again. How long has it been now? More than a year. Has it been two years?

I can't live like this. I am going to turn myself in after I pick up a copy of The Secret. I will see you in 20 years.

Important Announcement: There Will Be An Announcement

It snowed yesterday. Aren't you glad I told you that? Because otherwise, you probably wouldn't have realized it.

That is why I'm glad I receive the press releases from our government. This morning, at 9:30 AM, I got this one:

Fenty Administration to Deliver Inclement Weather Update

OMG. I can't wait for the Fenty Administration's "Inclement Weather Update." What news will they bring? Tornados? Tsunami? Hurricane? What is it that The Fenty Administration, with their Super Weather Collider 9000 that runs night and day, a mile beneath the Wilson Building, will tell me that I didn't already know by looking at weather.com?

Read on.

WHAT:	Mayor and city officials to deliver update on snow deployment initiatives.
WHO:	Mayor Adrian M. Fenty Department of Public Works Director Bill Howland DC Department of Transportation Director Gabe Klein
WHEN:	Wednesday, February 3, 2009 11:15AM
WHERE:	Ferebee Hope Recreation Center

Aha! The Super Weather Collider, with it's magnetic fields and gravitivity- and relativity-wave-inducing particle accelerators, will be deploying more snow. WHY? WHY? DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!

Frankly, I've already seen more snow deployment this year than I can shake a stick at. We've had snow deployed twice in the last week alone.

You know what?

It's time to cancel the city's snow deployment initiative and focus on snow removal.

Ironically, this "event" is not listed on the city's calendar. Nor could I find a copy of the press release anywhere on their web site. In some ways, this is not surprising, since creating a veil of obscurity around the mayor's location at any given time is in fact the official policy of the Fenty Administration. But still, since this is an actual press release, and they sent it to a public mailing list, you'd think it would appear somewhere on the DC government web site. But whatever.

Okay, now that we've made fun of Fenty's PR department's complete failure to grasp the English language, what the heck is the purpose of this meeting, anyway? Assuming it's actually about snow removal, is there really anything to discuss? It snows. You plow. Where does the need for an in-person press conference, with the mayor himself, arise here? Doesn't he have better things to spend his time doing, like training for a triathlon, going on a trip, or otherwise hiding from the press?

Ah, I think I get it. Since snow removal appears to be one of the few things that the city's been able to cope with reasonably well, we must have an in-person love fest where the mayor tells us how awesome everything's going. I wonder if he will take any questions that don't have to do with snow removal.

Actually, I'd settle for Fenty answering a single question about his policy of sending contracts to his frat buddies. But I'm not holding my breath.

So I guess I'll have to settle for a snow deployment update.

I'll be tuned in at 11:15. Will you?

---

P.S. I just wanted something to bitch about and this fit the bill. That is all.

P.P.S. My trash didn't get picked up yesterday morning. Or my recycling. That is all. Really.

iPad Saves World, But What's Next?

Last week heralded the unveiling of Apple's latest wonder-child, the iPad. As everyone with access to the Internet, a newspaper, or pictures of The Rosetta Stone knows, the iPad will revolutionize the world in much the same way the automobile, antibiotics, and the vacuum bottle have.

Since everyone has drunk the Apple cool aid, there is no question that any new product released by the company will be met the sort of rejoicing and world peace that can only be compared to the second coming of Christ. This is despite such obvious attempts at money-grubbing which include batteries that can't be replaced, and the inability to sell any software for one of their products without giving Apple a substantial cut. But making Steve Jobs rich is a small price for world peace, isn't it?

But never mind all that. This post is not about cool-aid, or even the glorious future that awaits us in a new world, filled with throngs of happy hipsters who have been led down the path of righteousness, converting all unbelievers with the touch of their touch-screen. That world will obviously be free of hunger, disease, poverty, and even hiccups. Especially hiccups. Instead, this post is about what's in the "Apple Core," that primordeal soup where future unstoppable products are conceived and gestated. Even though starting next week, the iPad will solve global warming at the same time as providing for all the world's energy needs, there will still be many opportunities for future miracles from the Apple Computer corporation.

So what's in the pipeline? Take a gander at these:

iQ: The world's "smart cue," it will change your drunken 2-hour 8-ball game into something Minnesota Fats would envy. With a precise GPS satellite uplink, it will automatically analyze your shot and tell you when you're perfectly positioned. It will even let you know when you're being hustled by accessing a datatabase of known bar scammers. You will only be charged for shots you make.

iRan: A device so small it can be hidden, er, anywhere on your body, this gadget is designed specifically to assist Middle Eastern political dissidents in escaping from dictatorial regimes. Essentially a tiny GPS receiver that comes with a a pair of running shoes, it was test marketed in the U.S. as the "Nike + iPod Sport Kit."

iCaramba: iPad rebranding for the Latino market.

iSore: A new product that will revolutionize, nay, eliminate the plastic surgery industry, the initial iSore is anticipated to be released in January 2011 for $999. This amazing device will project a holographic image of it's owner, making them appear to look like Jessica Simpson or Hugh Jackman. The iSore 2.0, which will be released three months later for $499, will expand its audience to the trashy market and include Khloe Kardashian and "The Situation" as options, among others. Initial iSore purchasers can upgrade to the iSore 2.0 for $199.

iDeal: Will revolutionize casino gambling by replacing table dealers with a machine that never misdeals and automatically shuffles whenever card-counting is detected. The perfect dealer, it will even make casual banter and tell players how disappointed it is when they lose.

iBall: The world's first virtual sex partner. Will surely make the blow-up doll obsolete.

iCon: Apple made "icon" a household word in 1984 when the immensely popular Macintosh changed computers from an intimidating machine with a screen full of baffling information, into something where you point at things and clicked them. Much like how a toddler interacts with you by pointing at your dinner, while he dumps his mac 'n cheese on the floor. This new product once again owns the word "icon" by offering an all-in-one espionage tool to would-be spies and con-artists. By enabling you to read your victim's minds, the unkowns are effectively eliminated from any scam.

iLand: Tsunami sunk your ship? Lost at sea? No longer a problem. The sunburned ragamuffin clinging to broken boards, dying of thirst, will be a thing of the past, as the new all-weather iLand will automatically direct you to the nearest dry land. Once stuck on your desert island, the iLand will let you download music and video via satellite connection at the castaway discount price of $0.69 per song or $1.49 per video. Internet connectivity is limited to the Apple Store. In adhering to Apple's "captive audience" market strategy, no outgoing email is permitted.

iDo: Apple will change the way the world thinks about nuptials by inventing the "Wedding 2.0" courtesy of the iDo. This amazing gadget will guide couples through every step of the process from planning with the iKnow add-on, to the wedding day itself with the add-on iVow Writer and the iRing, availabile in iRing "Tones" of gold, white gold and platinum. Many other add-ons are available. The base iDo application includes one free iPreNup download, as well as a 30-day trial of their marriage counseling app, dubbed "imSorry," and as well as "iSplit," the separation and divorce app.