Thursday, March 12, 2009

Total Rehash

Hollywood, why must you suck like a Dyson?

I dutifully see your big-budget blockbusters, no matter how bad they are, ensuring that Tom Cruise can pay for a new Scientology center and afford the quality psychiatric care he so desperately needs. I buy your DVDs, despite the fact that I could download them for free before they are even released, sometimes even before the movie is in the theaters. I do this not out of martrydom, but because I believe that the hundreds of people who work for months and months on a movie production should be paid for their efforts. I believe that all this money serves some higher purpose -- ensuring that future works will be created, that the industry will continue to thrive.

I am not even upset when you trick us with such filth as "Signs," which is marketed as a sci-fi thriller, but is in fact a dogmatic religious preach-fest. Or when you re-release a DVD/BD for the seventh time, extorting yet more money from your most loyal fans who want to own the best version of their favorite movies. I'm only slightly upset about the brutal raping of the Indiana Jones franchise, but I haven't actually seen the movie so that may change one day.

But why, oh why, must you remake Total Recall? I can only imagine that you will take a movie that entertained me over and over again and turn it into a lifeless, soulless CGI-fest. Even today, nearly 20 years later, Total Recall stands up -- even the special effects. It's Paul Veerhoeven at his best, it's classic Arnie, and it's an immersing story that captivated the imaginations of every self-respecting sci-fi fan.

What next? Are you going to remake Lawrence of Arabia? Maybe take a shot at Gone with the Wind? Oh wait -- you can't fucking be serious!!! Hugh Jackman??

What has the world come to. Some things should just be left alone. Remaking "Total Recall" -- a mere 19 years later, when I'm pretty sure everyone who was in the movie is actually still alive -- is beyond offensive. How about a fresh new take on "A Clockwork Orange," with a cameo by Jar Jar Binks? And why don't you just dig up Peter Seller's grave and spit in it, while you're at it? Oh right, you did that already, again, and again, and again.

Hollywood, you suck.

Ngggghhghghhggghhgg! Nghghghghhnghghhghghgh!!


lacochran said...

Next they'll remake "PeeWee's Big Adventure."

*shakes head* Just so wrong.

Shannon said...

I loved Signs. It made me feel like the Earth was immune to alien invasion...if only because they came all the way across the galaxy and totally forgot to bring a claw hammer.

Jamie said...

Don't get me started on Signs. A bunch of rendecks in the middle of nowhere, and not one person owns a shotgun with which to kill a 97-pound weakling alien?

Oh yeah and good idea, invading a planet who's surface is 70% water when the stuff is like acid to you. It would be smarter for me to move to Afghanistan with nothing but a George W. Bush tee shirt.

But of course that wasn't really the point of the movie, it was really just supposed to be some kind of uplifting god-will-save-us-from-pathetic-aliens-we-are-too-stupid-to-kill crap.

I hate that movie... though it might be a good one to watch MST3K style with a bunch of jackasses and beers.

Shannon said...

Should I bring the beer, or the jackasses?

Jamie said...

I've got plenty of those. Bring the movie - I won't be able to make myself rent it.

n.b. my word verification for this comment: "tranlike"