Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Decision '10: What the Cluck?

Things are starting to heat up in DC with the race to the bottom for mayor. Don Peebles, the great white hope, except he's black, has finally decided not to run. Or has he? Honestly, it's entirely unclear. But despite his waffling over the very issue of his candidacy for going on a year now, he still remains a powerful, alluring figure. He's from DC, he's rich, he's disgusted with Fenty, and unlike Vincent Gray, he has a personality.

Unfortunately, he still lives in Florida and doesn't appear to be running. I'll probably vote for him anyway.

The Actual Candidates

Despite Peeble's irresistable appeal, most people are concentrating on the decision between incumbent Adrian Fenty and Vincent Gray, as Vermin Supreme has not yet announced his candidacy.

Arguments in favor of Fenty include:

  • he's not Marion Barry,

  • everyone feels safer than they did 3 years ago, except the people who left Arlington and bought their first house in Trinidad,

  • has succeeded in having a term coined with his name: "fenty field" (def: a spectacular, fabulously expensive sporting facility made of high-tech, washable turf that is installed outside a decrepit, barely functioning public school, bearing the mayor's name)

  • doesn't let arrogant celebrities like Dorothy Height and Maya Angelou bully him into meeting with them, and successfuly outlived Dorothy Height, too.

  • successfully appointed close friends to most agency head positions as well as the Attorney General, ensuring that his agenda can be implemented without any pesky obstructions or "checks and balances."

Arguments in favor of Vincent Gray include:

  • he's not Marion Barry, and

  • he's not Adrian Fenty.

Beak It Down For Me

For me, this is a difficult decision, because one crucial piece of information on the candidates' platforms remains a mystery.

Where do Fenty and Gray stand on chicken ownership?

Councilmember Tommy Wells forever endeared himself to me by coming forth last year in favor of easing restrictions on chicken ownership in DC. Neither Fenty nor Gray has distinguished themselves in any meaningful way on this issue.

Fenty is running almost entirely on a platform of taking credit for all the development projects conceived and begun during the Anthony Williams administration, as well as the reduction in crime that nearly every American city has seen.

Meanwhile, Gray has countered by clearly identifying himself as a man who is absolutely, positively not Adrian Fenty. Though we still have not seen the birth certificate... could it be that Gray is Kenyan? Wait... Fenty grew up on Kenyon Street... which sounds like Kenyan Street... could Fenty also be Kenyan? Hmmm....

I, for one, will support the candidate that pledges to ease the unconstitutional restrictions on chicken ownership. And is not a Kenyan citizen. Though this may make me a single-issue voter, it could be the only substantive difference between Fenty and Gray's platforms. Without this distinction, their campaigns are a yolk. Should either candidate decide to take a stand... or even a roost, we will have a race. Until then, things look pretty beak.

Don't chicken out. Don't lower your eggspectations. Demand a farm-fresh perspective. Vote chicken rights!


pixability said...

I'm afraid if I comment I'll just egg you on.

Titania said...

I think you are missing the most important point: is chicken ownership allowed in Kenya, and if they are, what would Jumby and Sully think about that?

Jamie said...

I am pretty sure that not only is chicken ownership allowed in Kenya, but that most Kenyans are born into it. Another reason why Kenya is better than DC.

Jumby and Sully are still a bit iffy on the cats, so I would imagine that adding chickens to the mix might... er... ruffle some feathers.

pixability said...

I agree. There's enough trouble with the pecking order around here already.