Restaurant Week '10. Or Weak Restaurant '10. It's Your Choice.

Once again another Restaurant Week is upon DC. This once annual, and now sort of semi-annual event, is a chance to eat out at some of DC's finer establishments for a low fixed price. From January 10 - 17, 2010 participating restaurants agree to give you a full course meal for a fixed price of $20.10 per person for lunch, or $35.10 per person for dinner. Considering that entrees in the $25+ range are rather commonplace, and even classically cheap places like Pasta Mia are charging $18 for a bowl of pasta (yes, it's true, I was just there), this is a great way to live like the other half on a somewhat reasonable budget.

Or is it?

The problem with Restaurant Week is that a lot of places don't get it. Back in the day, we used to look forward to this every year. The event was embraced by many local restaurants. It was actually their idea, a good one, a way to drum up business during the typically slow August doldrums. But as the tradition took hold and most area restaurants participated, the value has become questionable.

The problem isn't Restaurant Week itself. The problem is that it seems a lot of places participate because they feel they must rather than because they think it's a good business opportunity.

Typical Restaurant Week entree

What this means, practically speaking, is that a lot of places basically phone it in. They offer an extremely limited menu. The waitstaff sometimes seems put out for actually having to (gasp) provide you with the same quality service as everyone else, because you are ordering from the Restaurant Week menu. You sometimes find yourself looking at the pathetic, limited selection of appetizers and entrees, and wondering, if I even wanted a Banana Slug Terrine, followed by Mom's Favorite Tuna Noodle Casserole, would it be worth $35?

Let ask a very pointed question to all Restaurant Week participants.

If we aren't going to be able to order anything that's not from the "kids" or "last night's leftovers" section of the menu, then why did you bother participating?

Contrary to what some latecomers to Restaurant Week may believe, the point of RW isn't to unload all the crap that's going bad in your fridge. It's not supposed to be the restaurant equivalent of flying super-economy class on Continental Airlines.

Because you know what happens when you do that?

We don't come back. Oh yeah, and there's a good chance we'll write something evil about your restaurant on our blog. Oh, you think that nobody will read that? Well, think again. Google "columbia heights eating". The sixth hit is my stupid joke post from yesterday about soylent green. From yesterday! And compared to, say, an actual food blog, or, really, just about any other blog, I am nobody. Yet I still have enough google street cred to be on the first page for some pretty basic searches. That's right - if you screw me at restaurant week this year, I will destroy you.

I am always amazed how many supposed businesspeople seem to have no idea about how to run a business. Restaurant Week, a clever invention of actual people who own restaurants, is a way for these places to fill empty tables during slow times, and to get people in their doors who wouldn't otherwise be there. People who may, in fact, be having their first experience at your restuarant during Restaurant Week. People who will come back if they liked their meal, and tell their friends, about the sort of experience they had at your restaurant.

Nobody expects you to go broke or give away the farm. But if there's no value, then you have done nothing more than created an unhappy customer. Or more likely, a one-time customer. If we can't actually order anything other than a tiny, crappy subset of your menu, or even worse, really lame stuff that you concocted just for RW out of leftover bread crusts and beet ends, then why do you think we'd ever want to come again? If we walk away feeling like our so-called bargain dinner was a rip-off, did anyone win?

It's really quite simple. If you don't think that you have anything to gain by having a decent RW offering, one that actually represents the majority of the offerings of your restaurant, then please don't participate. Because to do otherwise makes the customer feel gypped, and probably will hurt you in the long run as word gets around. And believe me, word gets around. There is nothing people in DC like more than to gab about restaurants online.

So where do I go?

I would like to single out Ten Penh as the one place that has always had a stand-up restaurant week. It's a relatively expensive restaurant that always offers basically their whole menu (maybe excepting the lobster) during RW.

I am sure there are others. Unfortunately, I haven't been lucky enough to have gone to one of those during RW in the last couple years. Sad statement, that. The bottom line is, choose your eateries carefully. Many places have their RW menus online. Don't patronize places that don't get it.

Wanted: Greener Eating Options in Columbia Heights

That's right, I am making a call for the first truly green restaurant to come to Columbia Heights and satisfy the needs of all the crunchy crusaders.

We need a Soylent Green Shack.

In an era where conservation is crucial, what could be more green than Soylent Green?

Solent Green looks green, sounds green, and is made entirely out of people. That's right - it's 100% recycled. Nothing goes to waste, and no additional natural resources were expended in its creation.

I googled "Soylent Green Shack" and there were zero hits. None. I just wanted to make sure that when its time comes, google will verify that you heard it here first.

Trademark pending.

Stange and Wonderful Things

A collection of completely unrelated things.

On one of our routine trips to DCUSA recently, I saw this pasted to a light pole near 14th and Park. Holy dog boy, batman!! What the devil is it?




Then this morning at the office, on my way back from an urgent snack stop, I saw, perhaps, the cutest thing I have ever seen:



I found myself with a bunch of apples a couple weeks ago that turned out to be kind of mealy. Since I can't stand wasting food, I ventured into previously uncharted cooking territory. I made an apple pie. I happened to have a pie crust in the freezer from some thanksgiving or Christmas dinner past... and it was delicious.

So this past weekend, I decided to take it up a notch and combine the delciousness of apple pie with the greasy goodness of deep-frying. Apples, sugar, and biscuit dough, as it turns out, are ridiculously good.

Animal Farm in Columbia Heights

Is this puppy not cute?

Since the last time I posted we got a puppy. His name is Charlie, though we have taken to calling him Jumby. The name was taken from this bad horror movie we saw called The Unborn, which was mostly memorable because of this evil little demon child thing that keeps saying "Jumby wants to be born now!" Wikipedia defines Jumbee as "the generic name given to all malevolent entities," so this is probably where the movie got the name from. Either way, it fits.

This brings the roster to two human beings, two cats, and two dogs. Then there's the cockroaches, though they seems to have packed up and gone to winter somewhere else. Or maybe they just moved somewhere that they can get a little peace and quiet. Because that sure ain't our house. But it's all good.

Charlie is very cute. Though N. insists he is getting uglier by the day. I deny this, though I do accept that he's got some old face going on, and his hair is pretty weird. He's like half shorthaired and half longhaired. He started out soft and fuzzy, but now there's all this wiry terrier long hair growing in along with the short silky hair. And he's got this weird Fu Man Chu thing on his jaw, as well as a white soul patch on his chin. Okay, he looks a bit like the dog version of a skinny hipster at Wonderland, so maybe he's not going to win any dog shows. But he's still pretty cute.

However, he unquestionably has a heart of evil. His days consist of tormenting Sully. That, and biting my ear, and peeing and pooping on the floor right after he's been taken outside. Sully mostly just tries to get some quality sack time on the couch, but Charlie thinks that biting his tail would be a lot more fun. So Sully often ends up under the bed, which has always been his private place. Charlie doesn't see it that way, though, and generally follows him there too. Below is a picture of Sully hiding under the Christmas tree.

Please, please leave me alone!

Poor Sully can't seem to find any respite from the little beast, so he seeks the shelter of our indoor evergeen. Or wherever he can go that he thinks Charlie won't find him. There aren't very many places that count.

Though there is evidence that secretly Sully likes the new member of our household. Charlie is too small to get on the bed by himself. So Sully could just hang out there, but he seems to never do so since Charlie's been around. I think he's just putting on a show. Or he's not very smart. Either is quite possible. That gadget at the left of the picture, by the way, is some crazy hot-water wet-vac contraption that N. had gotten for cleaning up Sully's accidents years ago. It's both awesome and necessary for having a puppy.

Back to Jumby vs. Jumbie, though. Though he is definitely a malevolent spirit, there is substantial evidence that he is, actually, a far worse variety than that described by Wikipedia. In the article referenced above, there are a number of ways to protect yourself from a Jumbee. Let's see how these might work with our demon:

1. leaving a pair of shoes outside your door; jumbies don't have feet and would spend the entire night trying on the shoes to get them to fit before moving onto you.

Leaving a pair of shoes outside my door could only have one result: chewed shoes. Quite the opposite, we have found it necessary to leave our shoes on top of tables, speakers, and radiators to avoid destruction. Jumby 1, Jumbee 0.

2. leaving a heap of sand or salt or rice outside your door; jumbies are compelled to count every grain before the sun rises.

Clearly, this fabled Jumbee is an inferior variety to our own. Ours is capable of eating everything in its path, except his own food. This includes Sully's food, toothpicks, my ear and ankles, the rug corners, his doggie diapers, pine bark mulch, and leaves. So any such stray organic matter would be nothing more than a snack to Jumby. So our Jumby would simply devour this (probably even the dirt) and bark until we gave him more. Jumby 2, Jumbee 0.

3. when coming home late at night, walk backwards so that the jumbie would be unable to follow you inside.

Charlie's favorite toy. It used to be Sully's favorite toy.

Well, I'm not quite sure about this one. Our Jumby is already inside, and the only result of coming home late at night is that he wakes up and starts barking uncontrollably. Though I do frequently walk backwards to avoid stepping on the little beast, it certainly doesn't stop him from following me. And biting my toes. Jumby 3, Jumbee 0.

3. if one is being chased by a jumbie, cross a river, as they cannot follow over water.

I can't speak for the river trick but I will give that a shot whenever I have a chance. This dog appears to have no fear whatsoever, though. Even when Sully gets really annoyed and growls and barks and snaps at him, and even though Sully outweighs him by 30 pounds, he doesn't really care. Actually I think it makes him charge Sully even more. At this point lets assume he can't swim, though, and give a point to the Jumbee. Jumby 3, Jumbee 1.

4. Leave a rope with many knots by your door step. Jumbies love to try to untie knots, so they will forget about you while trying to untie the knots.

Absolutely true. He loves knotted things. Rope, the ends of the oriental rugs, shoelaces. All are a delicious snack. However, there's not a lot of untying going on, just unraveling. But as for this stopping him from chasing us down, not so much. This dog is as ADD as a goldfish. Jumby 4, Jumbee 1.

Clearly, Jumby is a superior form of demon that will not be stopped by these silly tricks. Victory: Jumby.