Dating in 2011, or How To Be Stalked Effectively

Hey there virtual fans. You may think my infrequent posting means that I am slipping off the cutting edge or something. Actually, I'm so far ahead of everyone else that you can't even see it. You see, the internet is dead, I'm way beyond it already. I can't tell you where I am, though, because that would be telling. You'll just have to wait and see. But anyway I decided to check back in with you people in Web 2.0 land or whatever this quaint, 2006-ish place where you guys still hang out is called.

So, I have been not single for almost two years, and married for about six months, to my lovely wife N. Okay, okay, you got me: that's the real reason I have been blogging much. You see, as a single person, you have a responsibility to create and popularaize an online presence which suitors will find when they start to google stalk you. Once you are married, this becomes without a purpose, and you start working on your LinkedIn profile instead.

Anyway, I felt that it was important to leave this legacy for those young people trying to navigate the choppy waters of dating in the tweens. That's the time from 2010-2012, just in case you were wondering. The critical point is ensuring that you control not just what potential mates can find out about you online, but when they can find it.

So here it is: the definitive guide to establishing your internet presence for maximum stalking yield.

Day 1: Meet girl. Get phone number.

Information available to stalker: Your first name, possible mutual friends.

If this is your
Facebook profile pic,
change it now.

What they should find: Unless your first name is Yngvie, Google will not be useful to them, yet. However, it should be possible for them to find your limited public Facebook profile through your connection to possible mutual friends.

Ideally, your facebook profile will contain a picture that is not obviously you, and a first name that is different from the nickname you use when introducing yourself. This will make it difficult, but not impossible, for you to be identified on facebook through mutual friends. Either way, they should be able to figure out where you went to college and whether you live in Arlington or DC, but not much else.

Day 3: Call girl, leave message. She won't answer the phone, don't worry about it. There is a 60% chance that she will text you back instead of calling.

Information available to stalker: Your phone number.

What they should find: Ideally, your phone number will appear on page 3 of a Google search as the contact for a Thanksgiving day food distribution drive or animal shelter charity. Second choice: a running group or neighborhood cleanup contact.

This should also reveal or confirm your last name to them. Depending on the uniqueness of your last name, they can now conduct a full name-based google stalk. They will do this before calling you back.

Day 3 plus 1 hour:

What they should find:

• Your LinkedIn profile, establishing your position as a successful socially-conscious entrepreneur, event planner, and minor local celeb photographer.


• Your age, based on your employment history.


• Your most public email address, which will be associated with your name in your letter to the editor of the Washington Post or Sierra Club magazine.

Day 3 plus 5 hours: Girl calls or texts you back, satisfied with the legitimacy of your Level 1 internet presence. You make a date for Tuesday night.

Day 5: Go on first date.

Information available: Your full name, and nicknames. Most of the conversation over the course of the date will be your confirming everything that she already knew about you: your alma mater, occupation and employment history, age, interests, and hobbies. Assuming you don't make any major blunders during this vetting process, such as ordering white wine, or getting sloppy drunk and telling her a story about the last time you got sloppy drunk, she will facebook friend you on her metro ride home from the date.

Do not accept her friend request until around noon the next day.

Day 6, 12:01 PM

Information available: Your facebook profile.

Don't be this guy. For a lot of reasons. Found on openbook, hilarious!

Now, the floodgates are open, and soon she will know:

• The names of all your mutual friends, if she didn't already.


• The last time you were in a relationship and the name of your ex.


• Whether or not other people are interested in you, by looking at recent friends and wall activity.


• How much of a partier you are, based on comments from male friends

Make sure that you have some, but not too many, comments from other single girls on your wall. Also, make sure that you promptly delete any wall posts from your friends after around midnight. No matter what they say it won't be good.

She will also find your blog. Ideally, she should have to work for this. That is, don't link directly to it from your profile, but have comments from friends that link to DC Blogs Noted where your blog was referenced in the last couple weeks.

At this point, the the remainder of your internet presence will be easily found. On your blog, she will find:

• Blogs you link to


• Blogs of people who read and comment on your blog


• Your comments on other people's blogs


• Aliases you use online


• Other unrelated blogs where you use those aliases


• Your twitter, flickr photostream, or anything else you link to or is associated with any handle you use


• If you have a MySpace page, she will find that. Be sure you don't.


• If you are a computer geek, like myself, posts on mailing lists from ten years ago related to now-obsolete technlogies.


• If you are a really, really old computer geek, like myself, posts from Usenet News from when you were in college. Contact Google to have these removed permanently.

She will not tell you that she has read all these things but she will.

Anyway, assuming that you have properly established and/or sanitized your Internet presence, you will have completely entrenched your identity as being active in your community, socially conscious, small-time celebrity, smart, creative, and reasonably popular. You're practically Brad Pitt! Who could resist you?