Neighborhood Bar Feels The Pinch

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, the sagging (dead?) economy is finally catching up with the neighborhood watering holes. I ran into Matt and Rose last night at The Wonderland Ballroom, and they confirmed that the Columbia Heights fixture will be taking extreme measures to deal with slumping business and mounting losses.

"We just can't keep operating as we have been and still remain profitable," said Rose. "So we've had to take some extreme measures to tighten up the ship. I know this will be hard for everyone, but we hope our loyal customers will understand."

Beginning immediately, Wonderland will be instituting the following policies.

• All customers must leave a credit card to run a tab. This includes regulars and Virginia douchebags alike. Customers who never actually leave the bar will be required to settle their tabs every 24 hours.
  
  
• Customers with no credit card must pay as they go. Customers with no fixed address and/or no money must wash dishes as they go.
  
  
• Bathroom cleanings will take place weekly instead of daily. To ensure that using the bathroom at Wonderland continues to be a pleasant experience, we ask that customers be courteous and clean up their own vomit.
  
  
• Wonderland will be reducing it's hours of operation. A detailed analysis of the outflow of Jameson per hour compared to the inflow of cash per hour has revealed that 70% of the Jameson consumed every week takes place during times when approximatly 0% of the money comes in. Therefore, Wonderland will no longer be open between the hours of 3:00 AM and 6:00 AM.
  

Matt added, "We realize these measures may seem draconian, but we believe they are essential to Wonderland continuing to serve our community in these hard economic times."

I spoke to Dave and Sascha, the owners of the Red Derby, and asked them to comment from the perspective of another neighborhood bar.

"Well, we certainly understand where they're coming from, " said Sascha. "We have been trying to think of ways to help our bottom line too. Dave actually suggested that we put a sign in front of the bar so people could find us! We had a good laugh about that one, but for now, we're just going to raise the price of a beer to $1."

It's tough out there, kids. Let's all do our best to support our neighborhood bars. It's the economy, stupid, so let's go get drunk!